Embattled celebrity Jude Law is reportedly negotiating a lucrative premium cable series deal to lead in a proposed legal drama, Nude Law. Law would play Nigel Lawson, an ambition-driven corporate lawyer who comes from a family of dedicated nudists. Law's character will struggle with the conflicts between his career and the Bohemian lifestyle of his parents and siblings, says executive producer Paul "Specky" Speck.
The producer added, "think of him as Alex from Family Ties grown up, if the Keatons were nudists. And Alex was gay." Tina Yothers was unavailable for comment.
While the majority of scenes occurring in nudist settings will be handled with what writers call "playful visual innuendo," featuring no ratable nudity, fully nude extras will appear in each episode "for artistic composition and realism befitting a serious legal and social drama," (according to a network statement), and rumors hint that the regular full or partial display of Mr. Law's naked buttocks is being negotiated in his current proposed contract. Sources suggest that the current point of intense negotiation is whether Law will be compensated for these scenes on an per-episode or per-buttock basis.
In related news, tentative progress with ex-fiancee Sienna Miller was said to have suffered grave setbacks when the actress reportedly heard Law (apparently unconsciously) singing pseudo-sexist rock anthem satire "Big Bottoms" by fictional rock group Spinal Tap in the shower.
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Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Hurricane Katrina: Origins of the Black and Grey
Origins of the influential 20's political activist group Black and Grey are traced to the catastrophic aftermath of 2005's category 5 hurricane Katrina. Evacuation, temporary refuge occupation, and permanent relocation on an unprecedented scale created a historically unique degree of interaction of two distinct, disparate social elements. While the underlying economic, medical and social factors that led to the particular demographic distributions of late evacuees, non-evacuees, temporary refugees, and relocated persons were well-established and understood prior to the catastrophe, the social phenomenon that rose during the ensuing months was predicted by no one.
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Friday, August 26, 2005
The Kelly Monaco Zeitgeist Project
Actress Kelly Monaco, AKA Samantha 'Sam' McCall on ABC's General Hospital, left her West Hollywood home this morning to travel to John Hopkins University in Baltimore. There the pretty brunette will be frozen in carbonite in preparation for a full quantum gravitational scan of her central nervous system and sensorium. Several prominent heads of state and great thinkers of the age have undergone this procedure; Ms. Monaco is the first soap opera star.
After revival from biostasis Monaco will engage in a month long process of memory retrieval and response mapping, as John Hopkins researchers attempt to encode a digital personality construct into the geist image captured through the quantum scanning of Ms. Monaco. Currently, 45% of geist recordings reject personality encoding, although several of these nonconforming models are exhibiting nonanthropomorphic autonomous cognition.
Industry insiders report that ABC is banking on an enthusiastic response from its bulletproof General Hospital core audience to experiencing the new simulated presence simulcast of the long-running daytime drama from within the sensory simulacrum of Sam McCall. A leaked confidential Sony memo states that adoption of the hotly anticipated virtual experience has been slower than expected. The memo cites lack of "sim-be" content and an invasive installation procedure as obstacles to consumer acceptance, noting "very few focus group participants expressed enthusiasm in submitting to the outpatient procedure for installation of the brain tap in exchange for the promise of seeing reality through the minds of Stephen Hawking or Richard Cheney." ABC, which has invested heavily in presence broadcast equipment, hopes that the vivacious presence of Ms. Monaco will provide the incentive for "Jill and Joe Six-pack to get another hole punched in their skulls," a network source reports.
Hopes shared by Kelly Monaco: in a press statement at LAX she told reporters "it is my belief that all women and most men would like to feel what it is like to be a pretty girl. I hope to give them that."
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After revival from biostasis Monaco will engage in a month long process of memory retrieval and response mapping, as John Hopkins researchers attempt to encode a digital personality construct into the geist image captured through the quantum scanning of Ms. Monaco. Currently, 45% of geist recordings reject personality encoding, although several of these nonconforming models are exhibiting nonanthropomorphic autonomous cognition.
Industry insiders report that ABC is banking on an enthusiastic response from its bulletproof General Hospital core audience to experiencing the new simulated presence simulcast of the long-running daytime drama from within the sensory simulacrum of Sam McCall. A leaked confidential Sony memo states that adoption of the hotly anticipated virtual experience has been slower than expected. The memo cites lack of "sim-be" content and an invasive installation procedure as obstacles to consumer acceptance, noting "very few focus group participants expressed enthusiasm in submitting to the outpatient procedure for installation of the brain tap in exchange for the promise of seeing reality through the minds of Stephen Hawking or Richard Cheney." ABC, which has invested heavily in presence broadcast equipment, hopes that the vivacious presence of Ms. Monaco will provide the incentive for "Jill and Joe Six-pack to get another hole punched in their skulls," a network source reports.
Hopes shared by Kelly Monaco: in a press statement at LAX she told reporters "it is my belief that all women and most men would like to feel what it is like to be a pretty girl. I hope to give them that."
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Monday, August 22, 2005
Britney Spears: "Sue me, bioTchEz!"
At the press conference Federline née Spears stated: "Yo yo, yeah y'all. Me and my posse beeped y'all so you could tell all those punkass biotches, all those paparizzle and tabloid mofo fo shizzle, this the new way we gonna roll Malibu style from now on fo' real real. You get all up in Barbie's Dream House when I gots my peeps up in my crib, well, you wait and see what happens, fo' real? You don't like what happens, biotch, go ahead and sue my ass and you see if you like what happens then"
Man Manny of the Sudbury Sentinel asked if Spears was admitting by her statement that either her entourage or some member of her household was responsible for the August pellet gunning of Paparazzo Brad Diaz.
The pop idol replied: "Yo, I heard that punk biotch, that Briazzle Diazzle, he say he got all shot up outside my home, he say he all bleeding and shit, yo? I don't know. I know my crew be hard like fo' real gangstas, yo? The 'Bu be hard like 3100, yo, homies? We got all kind of straps up in my crib, like fo protection, yo? We got Airsoft, we got some paintball, yo like Kevin got him a BB gun fo' his birthday. They be strapped all over up in Miami, yo, I got a lotta fans, I can't control them. So if he going to be all like bitch, you broke my skin, yo I'm all like you lucky, punk! That shit coulda gone in your eye, and you'd be all like blind! You could get tetanus, or like an infection? And like die and shit? You just better know that if you get up in my crib and you be taking pictures or you be stalking, like, somebody I don't know may pop a pellezzle in you skizzle. Yo?"
In response to a call a junior editor at hick hop culture periodical Wigger Weekly Whizzle confirmed that Mrs. Federline née Spears' statement indicated firing a plastic pellet from an air rifle, resulting in the pellet becoming lodged under the skin.
At this point reporter Nancy Papsmere of the Calabass Eye, who had not been called upon, loudly interjected a question as to whether the fact that Mrs. Federline née Spears was "talking funny" was connected to rumors of a planned album of "dirty west coast gangsta rap," said to be the brain child of spouse Federline.
Federline née Spears responded heatedly, "Aw, no you didn't, I know you didn't just say I be talking funny, biotch! Ooh, ooh, you gonna, ooh you gonna, oh the Brizzle Sp'rizzle gonna pellezzle you, you're gonna get a pezzle, a plezzle -" at which time Federline née Spears' manager took the microphone and announced that Federline née Spears would take no further questions. As Federline née Spears was led from the conference room by her entourage, an unknown reporter shouted "who is the Brizzle Sp'rizzle?" Federline née Spears' manager responded "I don't know"
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Man Manny of the Sudbury Sentinel asked if Spears was admitting by her statement that either her entourage or some member of her household was responsible for the August pellet gunning of Paparazzo Brad Diaz.
The pop idol replied: "Yo, I heard that punk biotch, that Briazzle Diazzle, he say he got all shot up outside my home, he say he all bleeding and shit, yo? I don't know. I know my crew be hard like fo' real gangstas, yo? The 'Bu be hard like 3100, yo, homies? We got all kind of straps up in my crib, like fo protection, yo? We got Airsoft, we got some paintball, yo like Kevin got him a BB gun fo' his birthday. They be strapped all over up in Miami, yo, I got a lotta fans, I can't control them. So if he going to be all like bitch, you broke my skin, yo I'm all like you lucky, punk! That shit coulda gone in your eye, and you'd be all like blind! You could get tetanus, or like an infection? And like die and shit? You just better know that if you get up in my crib and you be taking pictures or you be stalking, like, somebody I don't know may pop a pellezzle in you skizzle. Yo?"
In response to a call a junior editor at hick hop culture periodical Wigger Weekly Whizzle confirmed that Mrs. Federline née Spears' statement indicated firing a plastic pellet from an air rifle, resulting in the pellet becoming lodged under the skin.
At this point reporter Nancy Papsmere of the Calabass Eye, who had not been called upon, loudly interjected a question as to whether the fact that Mrs. Federline née Spears was "talking funny" was connected to rumors of a planned album of "dirty west coast gangsta rap," said to be the brain child of spouse Federline.
Federline née Spears responded heatedly, "Aw, no you didn't, I know you didn't just say I be talking funny, biotch! Ooh, ooh, you gonna, ooh you gonna, oh the Brizzle Sp'rizzle gonna pellezzle you, you're gonna get a pezzle, a plezzle -" at which time Federline née Spears' manager took the microphone and announced that Federline née Spears would take no further questions. As Federline née Spears was led from the conference room by her entourage, an unknown reporter shouted "who is the Brizzle Sp'rizzle?" Federline née Spears' manager responded "I don't know"
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Thursday, August 18, 2005
Emma Watson Shall Rule Us All
2009: In a surprising upset, Emma Watson wins the Best Actress Oscar for her portrayal of Hermione in Harry Potter and the Veil of Forever
2010: Ms. Watson overshadows all other celebrities at the premier of Mr. and Mrs. Smith Go to Washington when she arrives with HRH Prince Henry of Wales.
2011: Ms. Watson announces that her role as Violet in the popular adaptation of M.T. Anderson's Feed will be her last acting role for an indefinite period of time. She returns to Oxford to complete her undergraduate studies in Politics and International Relations. The Queen Mother dies of congestive heart failure in July. Ms. Watson is photographed embracing the distraught Prince Henry at the funeral.
2014: The Crown announces that HRH Prince Henry of Wales and Ms. Emma Charlotte Duerre Watson are engaged to be married.
2016: Ms. Watson receives her DPhil from Oxford. The royal wedding in July is the most widely viewed event in television broadcast history.
2022: March 1st: 750 bombs are detonated within the space of three hours during the Shrove Tuesday Attacks. Churches and centers of government are targeted in Washington D.C., New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Tokyo, Mexico City, Sao, Paulo, Lagos, Bombay, Calcutta, Buenos Aires, London, Aberdeenshire, Sidney, Melbourne, and Canberra. Casualties in the United States include the President, Vice President, 132 Representatives including the speaker of the house, 45 sentators including the President pro tempore, the Secretary of State, the Secretary of the Treasury, the Secretary of Defense, the Attorney General, the Attorney General, and the Secretary of the Interior. Casualties in Great Britain include the Prime Minister, seventeen Cabinet Ministers, 317 members of Parliament, an Archbishop, 19 bishops, 106 Lords of the Peerage, King Charles and Queen Camilla, Princess Kate, Prince Phillip, and Prince Andrew. Prince William is badly injured and crowned King of England in a hospital in an undisclosed location.
At the time of the attacks, known only to a few dozen officials and members of the Royalty, Prince Harry was with Princess Emma at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN, where the princess was receiving a comprehensive CAT scan due to a preliminary scan which her private physician feared indicated the presence of a brain tumor. The Mayo finds no evidence of a tumor.
The period following the attacks is the most chaotic in modern times since World War II. The governments of the United States, the United Kingdom, and Australia are dangerously destabilized. Factional local governments and vigilante militias conflict with hamstrung successional governments operating from secured locations. Sporadic bombings continue. A widely leaked CIA report concludes that it will be necessary to engage renegade governments in seven different fronts in the Middle East, Eastern Europe, and Southeast Asia.
2025: King William is killed leading volunteer forces, the so-called "New Light Brigade," in the third Middle Eastern front. Prince Henry is crowned in the rebuilt Westminster Abbey.
2027: The Second United States Civil War begins.
2028: The New Royalist movement in the United Kingdom begins a successful propaganda campaign asserting that various prominent members of government were architects of policies that led to the rise of organized global terrorism. This position gains momentum as a paper written by Emma Watson, now affectionately known by her subjects as "Queen Em," during her graduate studies, is widely disseminated on the internet. Titled "Most Dangerous Games," the paper suggested that political cronyism is leading the governments of the United States and the United Kingdom to ignore gathering threats from various governments with covert ties to terrorist organizations. The paper identified four of the seven governments with whom the allied forces are currently engaged. The Crown declines comment on the paper and the Royalist movement, but Oxford University confirms that it was written by Queen Em in 2015.
2030: Massive Royalist demonstrations move through London during elections. New Royalists secure majority leadership in Parliament. Restructuring of government, centered on increasing the role of the House of Lords and installing the Monarchy as active executives of the state. A joint statement by King Henry and Queen Emma declares that they will "rule as Their subjects direct."
2032: Queen Emma is instrumental in negotiating the Charlottesville Peace Accords. The New Colonial movement takes root in the reformed United States of America. Royalism is already gaining momentum in Australia.
2045: Victory is declared in the Middle Eastern and Southeast Asian theatres. King Henry dies of complications associated with skin cancer. Queen Emma is confirmed as the Royal Monarch of the United Kingdom and of the United States and Australian Colonies.
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The Dream Journal of Jessica Simpson
I was in the passenger seat of a white pickup truck and Jesus was driving, dressed in shining white robes just like in a painting but He was wearing this bright orange feed cap with a confederate flag patch on the front.
He was driving with one hand on the wheel and the other one out the window resting on the hood of the cab and He turned to me and said "my daughter, you have had a wardrobe malfunction," and that was when I realized I was topless, no bra or anything, all I had on were a pair of low-rider daisy dukes and to make it worse I must have decided to go it commando because I could feel the back seam crawling right up my butt. So I crossed my arms across my chest even though He wasn't looking at them and I said "oh Lord, you know it's in my contract I'll never do nudies." But He shook his head and He had such a sad look in His eyes and He said "it is too late, my daughter. The pictures have already been posted to the internet."
"Jesus," I said, "did you see my teevee show? It's about traditional family values."
"You mean Dumb and Dumber?" he asked. It took me a minute to realize what he'd said and I was so hurt I couldn't even talk at first. I said "Jesus, didn't you read my In Style interview? The whole dumb blonde thing is just an act!"
Jesus was humming "In Christ a Solid Rock I Stand" and I thought I might feel better if I sang along but I just couldn't sing a hymn topless. I got more and more uncomfortable and finally I had to say something just to break the silence. "Dukes is just a summer popcorn movie, Lord. You know it's not what my real message is about."
Then He just let go of the steering wheel and lifted both his hands up and said "you better not let the General Lee hear you say that."
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He was driving with one hand on the wheel and the other one out the window resting on the hood of the cab and He turned to me and said "my daughter, you have had a wardrobe malfunction," and that was when I realized I was topless, no bra or anything, all I had on were a pair of low-rider daisy dukes and to make it worse I must have decided to go it commando because I could feel the back seam crawling right up my butt. So I crossed my arms across my chest even though He wasn't looking at them and I said "oh Lord, you know it's in my contract I'll never do nudies." But He shook his head and He had such a sad look in His eyes and He said "it is too late, my daughter. The pictures have already been posted to the internet."
"Jesus," I said, "did you see my teevee show? It's about traditional family values."
"You mean Dumb and Dumber?" he asked. It took me a minute to realize what he'd said and I was so hurt I couldn't even talk at first. I said "Jesus, didn't you read my In Style interview? The whole dumb blonde thing is just an act!"
Jesus was humming "In Christ a Solid Rock I Stand" and I thought I might feel better if I sang along but I just couldn't sing a hymn topless. I got more and more uncomfortable and finally I had to say something just to break the silence. "Dukes is just a summer popcorn movie, Lord. You know it's not what my real message is about."
Then He just let go of the steering wheel and lifted both his hands up and said "you better not let the General Lee hear you say that."
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It's A Disclaimer, Baby!
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Comprehensive Archive List 2005
August 2005
Date :: Article :: Topics
8.3.05 :: WHY it IS as it IS :: Frogs, Scorpions, Fables, Nature
8.18.05 :: It's A Disclaimer, Baby! :: Fiction, Nonfiction, Legality, Archive
8.18.05 :: The Dream Journal of Jessica Simpson :: Jessica Simpson, Jesus Christ, Dukes of Hazzard, Lucid Dreaming
8.18.05 :: Emma Watson Shall Rule Us All :: Emma Watson, Harry Potter, Prince Henry, Societal Collapse and the Coming Dark Age
8.22.05 :: Britney Spears: "Sue me, bioTchEz!" :: Britney Federline née Spears, Brad Diaz, Malibu, Hip Hop
8.26.05 :: The Kelly Monaco Zeitgeist Project :: Kelly Monaco, General Hospital, Artificial Intelligence, Simulated Presence via Sensory Simulacrum
8.31.05 :: Hurricane Katrina: Origins of the Black and Grey :: Hurricane Katrina, Race, Age, Realpolitik
8.31.05 :: Jude Law: Nude Law :: Jude Law, Nudism, Tina Yothers, Sienna Miller
September 2005
Date :: Article :: Topics
9.6.05 :: Pat Robertson: Brewing Scandal at Christian Broadcasting Network ::
Marion Gordon (Pat) Robertson, Harry Potter, Hobby Addiction, Witchcraft
9.6.05 :: Lance Armstrong Vows to Ride Down All Evil :: Lance Armstrong, Bicycling, Tour de France, Evil
9.7.05 :: Mel Gibson: Not a Real Gas Shortage :: Mel Gibson, Gas Shortage, Post-apocalyptic Australia, Thunderdome
9.8.05 :: The Fats Domino-New Orleans Alliance :: Fats Domino, New Orleans, Hurricane Katrina, Nanotechnology
9.9.05 :: Kanye Westbot Returns to Planet Zarg with 1.8 Million Earth Dollars :: Kanye West, Alien Presence, Robot, Hip Hop
9.12.05 :: Jolie-Pitt Split? :: Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Elizabeth Taylor, Celebrity Marriage
9.13.05 :: iPod femto unveiled, lost :: Apple Computer Inc., iPod, Steve Jobs, Cranial Jack Technology
9.14.05 :: The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis, the Secret Life of Bob Denver :: Bob Denver, Gilligan’s Island, -Ology, Reefer
9.15.05 :: Hey Paris, Watch Me Pull a Scandal Out of Your Phone! AGAIN? :: Paris Hilton, Bluetooth Hacking, Performance Art, Conrad Hilton Hospitality Fortune
9.16.05 :: North by Northwest Airlines Declares Bankruptcy :: North By Northwest, Airline Bankruptcy, Fly-by Shooting, Assassination
9.20.05 :: Everybody's Got One: It's the It's Rome, Baby! Opinion Section! Emily Rose :: Emily Rose, Posession, Pedagogy, Research
9.21.05 :: Kate Moss Comes Clean :: Kate Moss, Modelling, Cocaine, Alien Presence
9.23.05 :: A Nation Reels as It's Rome Baby! Updates Delayed by Power Failure :: Rome, Self-Reference, Weather, Site News
9.26.05 :: Zelwegger on Chesney Marriage "Fraud": a Philosophical Difference? :: Renée Zelwegger, Kenny Chesney, Philosophy, Celebrity Marriage
9.27.05 :: Nintendo "Revolution" Console to Incite Revolution? :: Videogames, Nintendo, Marxism, Polybius
9.28.05 :: Another Blessed Event: Britney Spears' Baby Inks Major Deal :: Britney Federline née Spears, Kevin Federline, Sean Preston Federline, Future Mouseketeers
9.29.05 :: NOAA Administrator Briefly Loses It :: Government, Weather, Ocean, Sky
9.30.05 :: WinMX Down, Jello to Go: RIAA CEO Demonstrates File Sharing Strategy :: P2P, RIAA, Music, Jello
October 2005
Date :: Article :: Topics
10.3.05 :: Demi and Ashton: Your Kabbalah Wedding and You :: Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Celebrity Marriage, Kabbalah
10.4.05 :: Nicholas Cage Names Baby After Superman, Prompting It's Rome, Baby! Author Scrivener to File Suit :: Nicholas Cage, Baby Names, Parental Insanity, Superman
10.7.05 :: The Spears Federline Holmes Cruise Simpson Lachey Connection :: Britney Federline née Spears, Jessica Simpson, Katie Holmes, Tom DeLay
10.10.05 :: For Great Justice: It's Rome, Baby! on Jury Duty :: Justice, Self-Reference, Jury Duty, Alcoholic Beverages
10.11.05 :: Push Lindsay Lohan Back Into the Envelope :: Lindsay Lohan, Vanity Fair, Vanity, Birthday Suit
10.13.05 :: Inspired by Jessica Biel: It's the It's Rome, Baby! Superlative Adjective Noun Week! :: Jessica Biel, Sexiestness, Superlatives, Hyperbole
10.13.05 :: Vikings Football Club "Sex Cruise" Scandal Inspires First Ever It's Rome, Baby! External Link :: Vikings Football, Sexual Misconduct, Boats, Sports Curses
10.24.05 :: Justice Got Served: Memos Continue from Plague House :: Justice, Self-Reference, Plague, Snot
10.24.05 :: Daniel Craig: Mysteries of the Reincarnation of James Bond :: License to Kill, Peter Sellers is Ill, the Failure of Modernity is a Bitter Pill
10.27.05 :: Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn Observe Checkout Lane-iversary :: Tabloids, Hollywood Ritual, CelebRomance
10.31.05 :: Inexplicable Sequel Files: Pitching Saw III: Rube Jigsaw :: Real Horrorshow, Krovvy, Bit of the 'ol Ultraviolence, fellow droogies?
November 2005
Date :: Article :: Topics
11.01.05 :: Life Imitates Art Imitating Life? Theron, Berry, and the Alleged Bouquet :: George Washington served his full terms in the White House, Nobody knew Pearl Harbor was coming, Lee Harvey Oswald Acted Alone
11.04.05 :: Remember the Reason for the Season: Guy Fawkes and the Gunpowder Plot :: Guy Fawkes, Bonfire Night, Sorry but the BBC historical funtime flash game link doesn’t work any more...
11.04.05 :: 14:59 :: Cheerleaders, Alleged Lesbians, Andy Warhol
11.17.05 :: Sarah Silverman: Controversy is Easy on the Eyes :: Sarah Silverman, Lenny Bruce, You do the math
11.29.05 :: Wasting Away Again in Blogaritaville :: The first of many announcements of the End of the Website
And of course, the now famous It's Rome, Baby! Disclaimer
This ought to go without saying. I've noted, however, that it seldom does. In the case of the satire, the hoax, or the fantasy creation, the temptation is to allow it to go without being said, the better to promote verisimilitude. Be this as it may, after long consideration I came to the conclusion that it was best to start from a basis of absolute clarity and honesty. If the thing cannot stand on its own merits, without the need for subterfuge or obsfucation, then it is a failure anyway.
It's Rome, Baby! is entirely a work of fiction. None of the events related herein actually occurred, none of the representations of actual individuals are actually representative of any individuals, and no message, moral, critique, analysis, or judgment should be inferred from any of the pieces of fiction here presented. The title It's Rome, Baby! is the full extent of social commentary intended by this small and humble entertainment.
Comprehensive Archive List 2005
August 2005
Date :: Article :: Topics
8.3.05 :: WHY it IS as it IS :: Frogs, Scorpions, Fables, Nature
8.18.05 :: It's A Disclaimer, Baby! :: Fiction, Nonfiction, Legality, Archive
8.18.05 :: The Dream Journal of Jessica Simpson :: Jessica Simpson, Jesus Christ, Dukes of Hazzard, Lucid Dreaming
8.18.05 :: Emma Watson Shall Rule Us All :: Emma Watson, Harry Potter, Prince Henry, Societal Collapse and the Coming Dark Age
8.22.05 :: Britney Spears: "Sue me, bioTchEz!" :: Britney Federline née Spears, Brad Diaz, Malibu, Hip Hop
8.26.05 :: The Kelly Monaco Zeitgeist Project :: Kelly Monaco, General Hospital, Artificial Intelligence, Simulated Presence via Sensory Simulacrum
8.31.05 :: Hurricane Katrina: Origins of the Black and Grey :: Hurricane Katrina, Race, Age, Realpolitik
8.31.05 :: Jude Law: Nude Law :: Jude Law, Nudism, Tina Yothers, Sienna Miller
September 2005
Date :: Article :: Topics
9.6.05 :: Pat Robertson: Brewing Scandal at Christian Broadcasting Network ::
Marion Gordon (Pat) Robertson, Harry Potter, Hobby Addiction, Witchcraft
9.6.05 :: Lance Armstrong Vows to Ride Down All Evil :: Lance Armstrong, Bicycling, Tour de France, Evil
9.7.05 :: Mel Gibson: Not a Real Gas Shortage :: Mel Gibson, Gas Shortage, Post-apocalyptic Australia, Thunderdome
9.8.05 :: The Fats Domino-New Orleans Alliance :: Fats Domino, New Orleans, Hurricane Katrina, Nanotechnology
9.9.05 :: Kanye Westbot Returns to Planet Zarg with 1.8 Million Earth Dollars :: Kanye West, Alien Presence, Robot, Hip Hop
9.12.05 :: Jolie-Pitt Split? :: Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Elizabeth Taylor, Celebrity Marriage
9.13.05 :: iPod femto unveiled, lost :: Apple Computer Inc., iPod, Steve Jobs, Cranial Jack Technology
9.14.05 :: The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis, the Secret Life of Bob Denver :: Bob Denver, Gilligan’s Island, -Ology, Reefer
9.15.05 :: Hey Paris, Watch Me Pull a Scandal Out of Your Phone! AGAIN? :: Paris Hilton, Bluetooth Hacking, Performance Art, Conrad Hilton Hospitality Fortune
9.16.05 :: North by Northwest Airlines Declares Bankruptcy :: North By Northwest, Airline Bankruptcy, Fly-by Shooting, Assassination
9.20.05 :: Everybody's Got One: It's the It's Rome, Baby! Opinion Section! Emily Rose :: Emily Rose, Posession, Pedagogy, Research
9.21.05 :: Kate Moss Comes Clean :: Kate Moss, Modelling, Cocaine, Alien Presence
9.23.05 :: A Nation Reels as It's Rome Baby! Updates Delayed by Power Failure :: Rome, Self-Reference, Weather, Site News
9.26.05 :: Zelwegger on Chesney Marriage "Fraud": a Philosophical Difference? :: Renée Zelwegger, Kenny Chesney, Philosophy, Celebrity Marriage
9.27.05 :: Nintendo "Revolution" Console to Incite Revolution? :: Videogames, Nintendo, Marxism, Polybius
9.28.05 :: Another Blessed Event: Britney Spears' Baby Inks Major Deal :: Britney Federline née Spears, Kevin Federline, Sean Preston Federline, Future Mouseketeers
9.29.05 :: NOAA Administrator Briefly Loses It :: Government, Weather, Ocean, Sky
9.30.05 :: WinMX Down, Jello to Go: RIAA CEO Demonstrates File Sharing Strategy :: P2P, RIAA, Music, Jello
October 2005
Date :: Article :: Topics
10.3.05 :: Demi and Ashton: Your Kabbalah Wedding and You :: Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Celebrity Marriage, Kabbalah
10.4.05 :: Nicholas Cage Names Baby After Superman, Prompting It's Rome, Baby! Author Scrivener to File Suit :: Nicholas Cage, Baby Names, Parental Insanity, Superman
10.7.05 :: The Spears Federline Holmes Cruise Simpson Lachey Connection :: Britney Federline née Spears, Jessica Simpson, Katie Holmes, Tom DeLay
10.10.05 :: For Great Justice: It's Rome, Baby! on Jury Duty :: Justice, Self-Reference, Jury Duty, Alcoholic Beverages
10.11.05 :: Push Lindsay Lohan Back Into the Envelope :: Lindsay Lohan, Vanity Fair, Vanity, Birthday Suit
10.13.05 :: Inspired by Jessica Biel: It's the It's Rome, Baby! Superlative Adjective Noun Week! :: Jessica Biel, Sexiestness, Superlatives, Hyperbole
10.13.05 :: Vikings Football Club "Sex Cruise" Scandal Inspires First Ever It's Rome, Baby! External Link :: Vikings Football, Sexual Misconduct, Boats, Sports Curses
10.24.05 :: Justice Got Served: Memos Continue from Plague House :: Justice, Self-Reference, Plague, Snot
10.24.05 :: Daniel Craig: Mysteries of the Reincarnation of James Bond :: License to Kill, Peter Sellers is Ill, the Failure of Modernity is a Bitter Pill
10.27.05 :: Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn Observe Checkout Lane-iversary :: Tabloids, Hollywood Ritual, CelebRomance
10.31.05 :: Inexplicable Sequel Files: Pitching Saw III: Rube Jigsaw :: Real Horrorshow, Krovvy, Bit of the 'ol Ultraviolence, fellow droogies?
November 2005
Date :: Article :: Topics
11.01.05 :: Life Imitates Art Imitating Life? Theron, Berry, and the Alleged Bouquet :: George Washington served his full terms in the White House, Nobody knew Pearl Harbor was coming, Lee Harvey Oswald Acted Alone
11.04.05 :: Remember the Reason for the Season: Guy Fawkes and the Gunpowder Plot :: Guy Fawkes, Bonfire Night, Sorry but the BBC historical funtime flash game link doesn’t work any more...
11.04.05 :: 14:59 :: Cheerleaders, Alleged Lesbians, Andy Warhol
11.17.05 :: Sarah Silverman: Controversy is Easy on the Eyes :: Sarah Silverman, Lenny Bruce, You do the math
11.29.05 :: Wasting Away Again in Blogaritaville :: The first of many announcements of the End of the Website
And of course, the now famous It's Rome, Baby! Disclaimer
This ought to go without saying. I've noted, however, that it seldom does. In the case of the satire, the hoax, or the fantasy creation, the temptation is to allow it to go without being said, the better to promote verisimilitude. Be this as it may, after long consideration I came to the conclusion that it was best to start from a basis of absolute clarity and honesty. If the thing cannot stand on its own merits, without the need for subterfuge or obsfucation, then it is a failure anyway.
It's Rome, Baby! is entirely a work of fiction. None of the events related herein actually occurred, none of the representations of actual individuals are actually representative of any individuals, and no message, moral, critique, analysis, or judgment should be inferred from any of the pieces of fiction here presented. The title It's Rome, Baby! is the full extent of social commentary intended by this small and humble entertainment.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
WHY it IS as it IS
A scorpion perched at the edge of a stream, gazing across to the other side. He saw a frog swimming in the stream and called to him, "friend, give me a ride on your back across the stream. I wish to cross it but I cannot swim."
"If I allow you to climb on my back you will sting me and I will die," the frog protested.
The scorpion replied, "if I stung you on this bank, I would never be able to cross the stream. If you take me across the stream, you will have my gratitude rather than my enmity. I give you my promise not to sting you either on this bank or the other. So what do you have to fear?"
After considering this the frog swam to the bank where the scorpion stood and agreed to carry him across.
Midway across the stream, his eyes still fixed on the opposite bank, the scorpion shivered with anticipation, and then plunged his sting deep into the frog's back.
The frog felt his limbs begin to grow numb, and as he started sinking below the surface he gasped "why did you sting me, you fool? Now we will both die!"
And the scorpion replied.
"It's my nature."
It’s Rome, Baby! Home
It’s Rome, Baby! Archives & Disclaimer
"If I allow you to climb on my back you will sting me and I will die," the frog protested.
The scorpion replied, "if I stung you on this bank, I would never be able to cross the stream. If you take me across the stream, you will have my gratitude rather than my enmity. I give you my promise not to sting you either on this bank or the other. So what do you have to fear?"
After considering this the frog swam to the bank where the scorpion stood and agreed to carry him across.
Midway across the stream, his eyes still fixed on the opposite bank, the scorpion shivered with anticipation, and then plunged his sting deep into the frog's back.
The frog felt his limbs begin to grow numb, and as he started sinking below the surface he gasped "why did you sting me, you fool? Now we will both die!"
And the scorpion replied.
"It's my nature."
It’s Rome, Baby! Home
It’s Rome, Baby! Archives & Disclaimer
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