Wasting Away Again in Blogaritaville

I’ve hit a good few of the standard highlights of the Art of Blog, including the death of the pet and the lengthy hiatus. This is another one, the noisy exit. Activities suspended until further notice. Not open for business. I quit.

It’s very easy to be taken in by the allure of instant, “free” pseudopublication, and ignore for a long time the nature of the beast, which is you contributing to an amorphous mass of text and someone else profiting by it. Of course, creative types getting the short end from business is hardly a new and interesting theme, but there is something a little bit special about the number of people who have now been convinced to do it for nothing while remaining convinced that they are getting something for free.

Well, here is a small insight from a tired and cynical little drone buzzing around in a very large and chaotic machine: Google is not running Blogger out of charity or some affection for the creative spirit of the masses. Google is running Blogger because the massive popularity of Moveable Type, LiveJournal, etc. convinced them that it would be profitable to acquire a major position in this market. A quick review of your AdSense account and Google’s stock price should clarify the nature of this relationship.

And that’s fine: my intent is really not to shake my puny fists at the bastions of Evil Corporatism. People like blogging, adding their stellar insights to the somewhere between 4 and 10 million similar examples out there gives them a warm fuzzy, and that is fine by me. My bottom line, this side of Black Friday, 2005, is that it isn’t doing anything more for me than when I used to keep a handwritten journal in a series of blank books, a process which was considerably less expensive since I didn’t have to maintain an internet connection or a relatively modern computer. And I didn’t feel guilty if I didn’t write for a week, like I was letting down one of my 6 regular readers.

So to hell with it. I just don’t have enough time to flog this horse’s corpse any more.

If you are one of those 6 people, my apologies if this comes as a disappointment. You know how it is. If you are one of the dozen people who actually went so far as to give me some money, you can expect to continue to receive little oddments, scraps of text, and music in the mail throughout the coming year, as some small thanks. I hope these modest entertainments have amused. If you were invested in the pentagon/files story line, well, its fate remains to be seen. There is about one and a half again as much of that as has already been put online already written, but the story is not yet completed and I’m not sure how invested I am in wrapping it up. It may find its way out into the world yet, and if you were a patron you can rest assured to get it for free if it does so.

I’m not sure what’s next. I have some things in progress and I’m feeling ambivalent about them. If anything happens with any of it I feel comfortable saying that anyone who is reading this and actually cares will hear about it from me directly. I am an exceptionally easy person to find online, my email is in the profile, so I’m not going to fret about losing touch.

I had a conversation a while ago in which I opined that for the vast and overwhelming majority of aspiring writers, the internet was currently a dead end: that even the most modest hopes of viability remained firmly entrenched in conventional publishing. My own investigation convinces me that this is an accurate assessment. I’m certainly open to the possibility that this might change, but if so I doubt very much that access to whatever fantabulous new markets emerge will come through remaining on this particular bandwagon. If I do put text online again, one thing I am certain of is that it will be under a domain I own and administer, supported by bandwidth I arrange and properly pay for, and thereby control. For quite a while I set aside my misgivings about the fact that, in publishing through a medium like Blogger, I was effectively giving control of a creative enterprise over to a corporation. Like so many others, I justified this because blogging through the Google machine was so “easy.” Considering two thousand years’ worth of warning about the relative merits and pitfalls of the broad versus the narrow path, its a bit shameful that I was still so susceptible to this argument. In the end I had to ask: if I insist it be easy, just how invested am I in it anyway?

And this is the answer.

In the meantime: there is no need to come back here. Nothing new will appear in these pages, or on any of the other five blogspot addresses I have been maintaining. If I create something new I will promulgate it by other methods.

In the upper right hand corner of this page, you will find a little button, labeled “NEXT BLOG.” Clicking it will carry you to some random example of the medium: it is a process that can be repeated indefinitely. I recommend it if you are looking for something to read.

Yours very sincerely,

Scrivener

In this very attitude did I sit when I called to him, rapidly stating what it was I wanted him to do - namely, to examine a small paper with me. Imagine my surprise, nay, my consternation, when without moving from his privacy, Bartleby in a singularly mild, firm voice, replied, “I would prefer not to.”

Bartleby, The Scrivener: A Story of Wall-street, Herman Melville

Sarah Silverman: Controversy is Easy on the Eyes

What's the deal with Sarah Silverman? What's the deal with comedy, for that matter? For a while I thought that Comedy Central (Comedy Partners, MTV Networks, Viacom) was exercising some sort of internal editorial protest against the MTV model by actually playing a fair bit of stand-up comedy in the programming line-up of the comedy television channel. No, it appears that comedy performance is still very much in the social currency.

Sarah Silverman is a comedian, anyway, and she is formerly recognized as "hot," you know, physically, and she is "controversial," in that she treats topics that are taboo in her routines.

It appears that this culture takes some sort of particular and unseemly pleasure in watching a conventionally pretty girl tell filthier than average jokes. On further consideration, this is probably not much more of a revelation than observing that the public mind is enticed by the idea of professional cheerleaders having intoxicated sex in a public restroom.

So as usual, Ms. Silverman as a phenomenon is easy enough to understand with the bare minimum of facts. It still irritates me that my fellow journalists (just kidding) can't get over the fact that she's pretty, like it's so amazing and sort of laudable that a pretty girl would do anything other than just hang around looking good. The other thing that irritates me is the comparison being made to Lenny Bruce. The difference, and I acknowledge that it's a subtle one, is the part where Bruce gets arrested for obscenity.

So anyway, I decide to go to the source, or at least a source, and find out about Silverman's new movie, Jesus Is Magic. Before I lose patience completely with its glacial, laboring flash interface I manage to extract this:

Despite the current political climate, in JESUS IS MAGIC she takes on such pitch-black topics as September 11th, unwanted body hair, and the Holocaust, and spins them into decidedly un-politically correct comedic gold.

Does that list of example topics seem weird to anyone else? Sort of a kink somewhere in the middle, something doesn't quite fit? What's up with that?

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14:59

A confession: I don't really follow popular culture. Like most people who own a television and don't live in a cave I can't avoid the highest profile events that ensnare he mass mind, but I'm nowhere near the cutting edge nor the inside track. I fake it instead, by basing almost everything I write about on Google Zeitgeist, which aggregates information on search activity on the search engine and provides a handy top fifteen for the previous week, and thus a reasonable approximation of the public eyeball of a given moment.

The downside of this is being unable, from time to time, to avoid some particularly noisome bit of public offal that I have been studiously ignoring, sometimes for weeks.

Case in point, it was not immediately obvious to me what the connection was between several components of the November 7 Zeitgeist report, namely number 2, "cardinal panthers cheerleaders," number 10, "renee thomas," and number 12, "angela keathley." It didn't take too long to connect the dots. That first one is not a typo, at least not my typo. Carolina Panther Cheerleaders would seem more appropriate. There's no mistaking the intent: I have been sucked into the vortex of the Carolina Panther Cheerleaders bathroom sex story.

This is one of those stories, that what strikes me is how utterly dull and mundane the true meat of the story is, which is some drunk beating some other drunk over some perfectly idiotic conflict in a bar. If I had to report every time that happened my work would never be done. No, of course the twist that has its pincers lodged firmly in the collective psyche is that the fight in question apparently started over allegations that the dispute arose over two cheerleaders having sex in a bathroom. Now again, if I had to write every time someone had sex in a bathroom... well, it wouldn't keep me as busy as covering the bar fight scene, but it would make for a lot more disgusting reading, I'm sure. There is evidently some issue of the alleged assaulter (that would be, uhhh, Renee Thomas) also presented a different cheerleader's ID to the police after she was taken into custody. Thomas and Kethley deny the sex part.

That is absolutely as far as I'm willing to go into the story, except to note that its tenacious hold on the public imagination is just so tediously predictable. It does present the opportunity for headlines that appeal to my sense of the surreal, such as "Panthers Cheerleaders Deny Lesbian Sex, Loud Moans Only Crying" (National Ledger, November 12 2005), and demonstrates that level of prurient controversy at which the truth or falsity of a given story becomes utterly irrelevant, and also provides the valuable lesson that using a fake ID on the police is a good way to turn a misdemeanor charge into a felony.

And it does, finally, lead me to the announcement that the future is already here and thus the time has come to canonize Warhol's comment on the future of fame as a Law. As in:

Warhol's Law: Everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.

Scrivener's First Corollary: 99.9% of the time it will be for being a complete jackass.

I should have just gone with puggles.

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Remember the Reason for the Season: Guy Fawkes and the Gunpowder Plot

New Rome, of course, was substantially founded by the United Kingdom, that fine example of what happens when several savage packs of pale barbarians get half civilized by Italians and start Running the World.

In the spirit of acknowledging our forbearers, a brief review of the salient details of Bonfire Night, November 5, when history-minded Britons celebrate the life and brutal death of ambiguous terrorist Guy Fawkes. Fawkes had the misfortune of being on the scene, specifically a cellar under the House of Lords that had 36 kegs of gunpowder in it, when said cellar was stormed by Crown authorities the evening of November 4. The gunpowder was allegedly placed by Fawkes and 12 associates, led by Oxford dropout Robert Catesby. While the likely efficacy of igniting the powder as a means to eliminating the civic persecution of Catholics is debatable, there is still an unquestionable novelty to the notion of a political attack that specifically targets the wealthy and powerful.

The Crown did not see the humor in the situation and had Fawkes hung, drawn and quartered.

The Brits turned the occasion into a tradition of (generally) controlled fires and explosions.

I suggest giving the BBC's Guy Fawkes Game a spin. The sumptuous Flash interface does not long disguise the fact that you are being administered a history quiz with a time limit, almost none of the answers to which are found in the entirely inadequate summary above. With a small amount of study, however, you should win through to enjoy the most unchallenging final contest ever. Thank you, Brittania, for laying the colorful (sorry, colourful) foundations of our nation which we have carried on, full circle back to Rome.

Nihil Sub Sole Novum

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Life Imitates Art Imitating Life? Theron, Berry, and the Alleged Bouquet

In case you lost track of the dullest Hollywood cat fight of the 21st Century, Halle Berry is now stating that she never received a bouquet of flowers allegedly sent by Charlize Theron.

(Theron's Oscar-magnet North Country (Warner Brothers, AOL Time Warner) is in theaters now. She stars in the film adaptation of the popular dystopian cartoon Aeon Flux (one of the flagships of MTV's short-lived Liquid Television franchise) due in December (Viacom by way of MTV films and Paramount Pictures). But that's neither here nor there).

It's been reported that Theron stated she sent the flowers to Berry as an apology for a statement by a reporter claiming Theron stated words to the effect of "note to self: don't become Halle Berry." What might be meant by this is uncertain. One might speculate that Theron is reminding herself not to follow up her big Oscar power drives by starring in an adaptation of a comic/animation vehicle dominated by a hypersexualized heroine.

But that's neither here nor there either, because Theron denies ever saying it in the first place. She denies saying it, Berry denies reaction to the alleged statement, Theron has neither confirmed nor denied reported statements that she sent Berry flowers, but regardless Berry denies receiving them.

There is a theme here, you may have noticed, of the subtle interplay of cause and effect between things that may or may not have happened.

What does this mean? It means my job just got a lot easier. The deluxe heart-shaped box of chocolate truffles never, in fact, showed up at the O'Reilly Factors studios: in light of this what are we to make of Tom Cruise's failure to state that he ever sent them? In fact Cruise offered no apology for statements on Oprah that O'Reilly was leaving harassing messages on his answering inviting a threesome: Cruise has never confirmed making any such statements. O'Reilly himself has made no comment at all... but then, after his last telephone harassment debacle he did firmly state that he would "never speak of this again." One reporter dares to ask: how far does this conspiracy of silence go?

Ashlee Simpson is not "picking up options" on Nick Lachey's union contract with an eye towards a "sister-pick-up rebound relationship, skanky/doomed summer affair reality series." Snape does not say "bollocks" in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Robert Bork never sent Harriet Miers an e-card featuring an adorable kitten and a note pleading "please forgive me for the terrible things I said. I knew that we could never be together unless we could meet on the same level: that of failed Supreme Court appointees."

Reporting things that never happened, in a world that never was, as if they were of great importance. Even though even if they ever had they wouldn't be.

That's genius.

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Inexplicable Sequel Files: Pitching Saw III: Rube Jigsaw

Saw II recently joined the ranks of what this reporter privately files as inexplicable sequels. Didn't everybody hate that? Wasn't that universally panned? Didn't that tank out at the box office? I appear to be living in a fantasy dreamworld concocted from whole cloth by my outraged sense of Basic Decency (my as yet unproduced screenplay for the sequel to Basic Instinct). Saw II joins the ranks of products like Jeepers Creepers and Child's Play (up to number five now).

The Saw series appears to be a member of a sparsely populated and unnamed (as far as I know) horror subgenre, this technical funhouse homicide schtick. The Cube series, and Thirteen Ghosts are the other examples that come to mind. The scenario is, that the star of the movie so to speak is not so much a particular villain or monster as it is the elaborate arrangement, baroque setting, and graphic execution of complicated technical killing scenarios. I also saw it described as "sadistic pornography."

Caligula? See, there's, like, this whole running theme thing.

Anyway. So: I figure, why not, I am a professional writer, after all, and "script treatment I'm shopping" needs still to be ticked off on my "Scribblers Watch" list, so why not: It's Rome, Baby presents: Saw III.

So there's this pencil. No, wait, first there's like this kite, right? Somebody is flying this kite out a window. But what you don't realize is that this kite, nobody is holding its string: it's actually attached to a series of pulleys that cause the kite to open the door on the moth cage.

So the moths escape, and naturally the first thing they see is this shirt, so of course being moths they eat holes in it. But it doesn't stop there. The shirt doesn't hang alone. It is perfectly counterbalanced across another pulley series by the old boot. Join in the audience's tense and horrified expectation as the moths feast on the shirt and the terrible realization dawns that this center cannot hold. The inevitably falling boot depresses the electrical knife switch - which incredibly perpetuates this chain reaction of thrilling events.

The switch feeds juice to an iron that overheats and sets fire to a pair of slacks on the ironing board. The smoke from the slacks fire vents into the tree's bole-hole (that's right, baby. There is a tree inside the room. Did I just blow your mind?). The smoke drives the 'possum out of the tree, into the basket, raising the birdcage, unleashing the woodpecker. And the woodpecker, of course, pecks at the wood pencil. The pencil. The pencil. Ah, yes, you forgot about the pencil, didn't you? And the pecking of the woodpecker pecks the wooden pencil sharp. Which then gets jammed right in their eye. And slashes their throat with the emergency knife.

Happy Halloween, 'Possums.

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Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn Observe Checkout Lane-iversary

Numerous A-list stars of the Roman aristocracy got together to make sure newly minted sweethearts Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn made note of the setting of the date for their Checkout Lane-iversary. The event, observed only in relationships between the higher echelons, marks the very special moment at the start of a young and fragile love when some lurking stranger captures surreptitious photographs of the couple engaged in an intimate display of affection, photos which are then published and displayed at the checkout lanes of supermarkets and department stores.

Several established couples chipped in on a card for the couple, who were photographed kissing on a balcony in mid-October. The card featured a dirty cartoon with a crude reference employing the phrase "clean-up in aisle 6." Among the comments, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey advised "just keep denying everything," Tom Cruise quipped "lock it in, buddy, knock her up pronto" and Ashton Kutcher joshed Vaughn "rawk! Way to snag the older woman!" Aniston is in fact only a year older than Vaughn.

Suggestions that the candid photographs were staged and their release managed is typical of a cynical age which has forgotten the tender simplicity of young love. Aniston costars opposite rising Brit star Clive Owen in the Miramax film Derailed, opening November 11. (Miramax is a subsidiary of the Walt Disney Company).

Aniston and Vaughn co-star in the romantic comedy The Break-Up, currently in post-production and expected out in February of 2006. Universal Pictures, a Universal Vivendi company.

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Daniel Craig: Mysteries of the Reincarnation of James Bond

English Naval Intelligence officer Ian Fleming's fictional agent James Bond has always been a weird property since he made the leap to cinema in 1962. Franchise producers EON Productions and MGM/United Artists (the latter was recently acquired by a consortium comprised of Sony Corporation of America, Providence Equity Partners, Texas Pacific Group, Comcast Corporation, and DLJ Merchant Banking Partners, by the by) have managed to hold admirably tight control over the product, with only a handful of exceptions.

We'll set aside for the moment that all of the official films through Goldeneye were produced by a man named "Cubby" Broccoli. The exceptions all have weird little backstories and twists. Never Say Never Again is fundamentally a remake of Thunderball. The novel the latter was based on was adapted from a screenplay project author Fleming worked on in the 50s called Longitude 78 West which was never filmed: Fleming was sued over the appropriation of the work by one of his producing partners, English producer/writer Kevin McClory, who was awarded film rights over the story - rights which earned him involvement in the "official" EON production of Thunderball and gave him the power to make the retitled remake completely outside of the official Bond system. McClory muddied the waters further by securing the services of then-retired Bond stalwart Sean Connery for the role.

Still with me?

The other exception is Casino Royale. Film rights to the first Bond novel were sold separately, prior to the package deal with EON, in the early fifties for a thousand dollars. It was first made into a reportedly unremarkable television special in 1954 as part of CBS Television's, I kid you not, "Climax Mystery Theater" just a year after the novel was published.

But the real gem is the 1967 Columbia Pictures adaptation by Charles K. Feldman (also responsible for the Woody Allen-scripted farce What's New, Pussycat?). The film featured Peter Sellers, whose diva-style demands of his role reportedly required multiple rewrites of a script that eventually featured three credited writers as well as script doctoring by a cadre of uncredited talent including Woody Allen, Joseph Heller and Billy Wilder. Among other features of confusion, multiple characters carry the James Bond identity in the movie, the result of a convoluted plot involving one "real" Sir James Bond (David Niven) and a host of Bond impersonators, Sellers among them. The film featured such heavyweights as Ursula Andress, John Huston and Orson Welles and is generally critiqued as an ambitious but sprawling and incoherent parody of the Bond movie canon, or more rarely as some sort of postmodern metafilm permeated by "the failure of modernity and a celebration of what Umberto Eco would call the postmodern 'crisis of reason' [not made up]".

Right. Still with me?

It's interesting because the novel Casino Royale is altogether a more straightforward construction, all but bereft of the gadgetry and self-reference that came to define the movie series. The suave manner and high style of the Bond character remains, but it is counterpoint to the mission-minded agent's ruthless attitude and casual violence.

So what's to be made of of the newly-acquired MGM/UA electing to adapt Casino Royale for the third time in its launch of new Bond face, English actor Daniel Craig? The project is reputed to be a reversal of over forty years of Bond Movie Canon, drawing more closely on the atmospheric spy intrigue of the original novel and largely abandoning entrenched serial plot elements like the pervasive spy gizmos and comic-relief characters Q and Miss Moneypenny. The most recent crop of deeply canonical, high-tech action vehicles helmed by Pierce Brosnan, while critically nondescript, have nevertheless claimed unprecedented box-office receipts. While this picture isn't black and white (as recent films' budgets have similarly swelled into 9 figure territory), the thematic move proposed for Casino Royale has to be seen as a risk.

So okay, you say, now I have this new perspective on some of the depth and convolutions of a strange cultural franchise. But where is the joke? What's the wry take on all this pomo cultural gak? Man, I don't know. Maybe I assumed it would lead somewhere. Did I mention, I'm quite ill. Imagine there was some sort of suggestion of a remake of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, with, like, say Clive Owens as Caratacus Potts (you know, Dick Van Dyke)? And the title will be just Bang Bang? I know, it doesn't quite hold together. But it might just be permeated with the failure of modernity.

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Justice Got Served: Memos Continue from Plague House

The obligations of It's Rome, Baby! to the local systems of justice, previously mentioned, have been suitably discharged. God willing we can now quit with this sordid business of dealing in the goings on in some tawdry non-celebrity's house and get back to the People of Importance and their fascinating affairs. As thanks for his unflinching service to the State, Scrivener has gots the pox, along with Son of Scrivener not to mention Wife of Scrivener. We will brave the tidal wave of snot, nonetheless, to continue to bring you tales of things that never happened, in a world that never was. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we thank you for your service.

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Vikings Football Club "Sex Cruise" Scandal Inspires First Ever It's Rome, Baby! External Link

So, okay, it's like this: I've lived in Minnesota since I was four years old (that's three decades for those of you keeping track) but I can't sincerely claim to be a real Vikings fan. I'm not really a football person. I follow the sport only on the most superficial level.

But I submit that you don't really have to be observing all that carefully to come to the conclusion that the Vikings are one of those teams that just seem born to lose. Any team can be bad, but it takes a special kind of team to, while being capable of flashes and even streaks of genuine goodness, consistently, repeatedly, and reliably turn up those bad cards at the critical moments. It's a rare combination of bad luck, unfortunate intrusions of personality, and I would imagine a issues to do with football playing acumen as well - again, not really my area. But it clearly goes beyond mere sports mechanics. The Vikings are cursed. Unlike pre-Millennial Red Sox, though, the Vikings curse doesn't even have an interesting story behind it. Maybe it was the Hungarian grandmother of some underage teenage girl, who knows. It could actually be an ancient Viking curse.

Case in point: the particular collision of money, politics, and players behaving badly represented by the recent "Sex Cruise" scandal does seem to up the ante on an already inspired history of bad judgment, bad timing and bad luck. You know how it is: it's happened to all of us. You're lobbying hard for a special Legislative session to consider the issue of buying you - a group of gentlemen earning base salaries between 230,000 and 3.25 Million Dollars, owned by a gentleman himself worth 400 million dollars - a new place of business. Your stadium deal is on the ropes. You are running dead last in a three way race for some public stadium funding love that probably, in these troubled times, nobody will get. You are walking narrow line. What do you do?

Why not hire a couple of boats?

And some hookers.

Men and women of Minnesota, I submit to you: this is the sound of Vikings Football.

That is all.


(Bob Barker Horn Vamp via)

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Inspired by Jessica Biel: It's the It's Rome, Baby! Superlative Adjective Noun Week!

On the heels of Esquire's coronation of Jessica Biel as the "Sexiest Woman Alive" the conclusion has been reached that this hyperbolic construction (superlative adjective - i.e. "sexiest" plus noun i.e. "woman" is simply underused. Just think how many things that are the most something are simply being ignored.

We demand that proper nouns be immediately assigned to the following superlative adjective-qualified nouns.

Baddest Robot - Clumsiest Jockey - Fattest Comedian - Grumpiest Puppet - Harshest Dentist - Bumpiest Extraterrestrial - Filthiest Mime - Dullest Transient - Craziest Element - Scrawniest Politician - Shortest Physicist - Mightiest Autodidact - Nastiest Magician - Prickliest Monument - Scariest Pigeon - Saddest Hawaiian - Mushiest Diplomat - Roundest Particle - Surliest Possum - Gentlest Polyglot - Stingiest Ombudsman - Tannest Mayor - Eeriest Tenor - Quaintest Supermodel - Moistest Pundit - Palest Architect - Daintiest Iconoclast - Cruelest Blogger

On a related note, if anyone knows why Esquire refuses to take our calls, please notify Scrivener.

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Push Lindsay Lohan Back Into the Envelope

Afficionados of deshabillé in the pre-legal-drinking-age set are abuzz with word that musician and actress Lindsay Lohan will be appearing nude on the cover of an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair. It has been reported that Lohan was inspired by a recent semi-nude Paris Hilton Vanity Fair cover to, and we most certainly quote, "push the envelope even further."

Those keeping track may recall "the envelope” being previously pushed by various actresses and icons including Holly Hunter, Annette Benning, Glenn Close, Darryl Hannah, Kathleen Turner, Mariel Hemingway, Natassja Kinski, Julie Andrews, Bo Derek, Diane Keaton, Britt Eckland, Pam Grier, Cybill Shepherd, Jane Fonda, Anne Bancroft, Vanessa Redgrave, Catherine Deneuve, Jayne Mansfield, Brigitte Bardot, Marilyn Monroe, Sophia Loren, Picasso's Demoiselles d'Avignon, Manet’s Olympia, Ingres’ Odalisque, and various Venuses (see for example Boticelli -The Birth of, de Milo, and Willendorf).

Conflicting reports suggest that the envelope is actually nowhere to be found in Ms. Lohan’s photo shoot, having last been seen engaged in unsimulated fellatio with Chloe Sevigne in la Ville de Cannes, France.

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For Great Justice: It's Rome, Baby! on Jury Duty

Yeah, that's right - Scrivener, your faithful It's Rome, Baby! correspondent, has been called upon by the Roman government to serve as a jurist. At the risk of letting hated reality intrude into all the great bubblegum royale upon which our empire is founded, this twist of fate may slow things down for a week or two. Bear with us.

Of course, by the rules one cannot discuss the specifics of said service to the state. As tempting as it might be to court publicity-spawning controversy by flouting the authorities and blogging the assigned case in real time, I will restrict my comments to the following observation from the Minnesota Judical Branch jury handbook, which is entitled All Rise: Jury Service in Minnesota.

(From "The Responsibilities of Jurors" section)

"While serving as a juror, do not drink alcoholic beverages during trial breaks."

Note that trial breaks are the only time that the consumption of alcohol is proscribed.

Further, deponent sayeth not.

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The Spears Federline Holmes Cruise Simpson Lachey Connection

The recent announcement by the artist formely known as Britney Spears and husband what's-his-name, voicing fear of the release of a post-conception, Hilton-style sex video they believe was stolen and duplicated by a member of the AFKA Spears entourage, raised a certain amount of confusion amongst entrenched watchers of the Roman aristocracy. Insiders debated the rationale of airing details when the video's existence was unconfirmed and release was uncertain and potentially still avoidable. More cynical observers opined that, whether the video was real or not, the announcements were merely part of a ploy to counteract the abysmal ratings and DVD sales of the couple's reality teevee car crash Britney and What's-His-Name: Chaotic.

But darker suggestions whispered in the corridors of influence suggested that the conspiracy afoot went much deeper than a little smutty news to prop up a dissapointing media product.

Even stalwarts of the conspiracy set are shocked by the depth and depravity of the rumour mill. Is the sex video announcement really a coded message of warning to reality rivals Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey? Are Britney and what's-his-name actually threatening the release of a video, rather than anticipating it? Does the putative video in question actually reveal Simpson's baffling artificial insemination of actress Katie Holmes behind the grassy knoll, answering widespread confusion stemming from the common knowledge fact that Holmes sweetheart Tom Cruise's testes were replaced with Scientology implants nearly a decade ago, and is it the origin of recent Simpson-Lachey divorce rumours? And what of intimations that the genetic donor was in fact embattled representative Tom DeLay?

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Nicholas Cage Names Baby After Superman, Prompting It's Rome, Baby! Author Scrivener to File Suit

Actor Nicholas Cage and wife of fourteen months, former sushi waitress Alice Kim Cage, elected to name their newborn son Kal-el Coppola Cage. Kal-el is, of course, Superman's Kryptonian birth name. Yodeling-edge pseudosurrealist quantum-absurdist weblog author Scrivener immediately filed suit in New York. The complaint accuses Cage of "messing with my flavor."

"Recasting the dull pig iron of celebrity culture into an exquisite tracery of illusion is my job," Scrivener explained in a statement on his culture-defining weblog It's Rome, Baby!. "If people like Nicholas Cage are going to just go and dive into pure fantasy and absurdity, I have no choice but to protect my business model."

The suit reportedly demands that Cage immediately rename the infant "something normal, like, from the Bible, or a popular daytime dramatic series," and compensate Scrivener for $8.723194 million in estimated revenue lost because Cage's "naming decision left nothing for the imagination to do."

Asked if the compensatory figure was excessive (It's Rome, Baby!'s cumulative revenue of $4.98 to date was cited), Scrivener asserted that "I strongly feel that the Nicholas Cage Baby series would have been a major financial turning point in the blog's fortunes, if Cage had not committed this wanton and senseless act of real world satire. I guess maybe I could have done something about how Cage and his wife would be subsequently changing their names to Jor El and Lara Kim Cage (seriously, true story, both of them have the middle name Kim. These people are killing me). That's got to be strictly confidential though, or my lawsuit is going into the toilet, and that's my new business model. Wait, damn it," Scrivener added, upon realizing that once again he was thinking in text and then heedlessly publishing it all to the internet.

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Demi and Ashton: Your Kabbalah Wedding and You

The kamikaze-style Beverly Hills wedding of actors Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher: the fairytale world of Hollywood romance, the triumph of love over societal prejudice, the union of two lights of modern cinema to found a new Silver Screen family name in the tradition of Barrymore, Huston, and Spelling. But above all, of course, it is the story of a mutual exploration of Kabbalah, the mystical counterpart of Judaism in the tradition of the Gnostics of Christianity and the Sufi of Islam. Demi and Ashton's new life together will be characterized by constant examination of the hidden and mystical truths of the holy Torah, daily meditation in pursuit of Devekut (ecstatic, prophetic union with G-d), and of course, strict and uncompromising adherence to the 613 Torah mitzvot commandments. Their union is thus illuminated by the ten Sephiroth, the divine emanations of G-d, and watched over by the angel Raziel, G-d's emissary of love.

Their holy union exemplifies in life the mission to assert the Neshamah, the higher divine soul, over the lower Nefesh, the soul of desire, instinct and cravings. It is a theme explored repeatedly in movies such as Striptease, Guess Who, Indecent Proposal, My Boss's Daughter, Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, and Dude, Where's My Car.

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WinMX Down, Jello to Go: RIAA CEO Demonstrates File Sharing Strategy

On the heels of announcements that the popular WinMX file sharing network had shut down under threat of litigation, and the announcement by Sam Yagen, President of eDonkey (another P2P player) before a congressional judiciary committee hearing that his company would be unable to continue operations due to the prohibitive legal costs of defending the company's business against copyright infringement lawsuits, the RIAA is flush with a new confidence.

Chairman and CEO Mitch Bainwol demonstrated this new spirit by providing an enthusiastic demonstration of the widely reviled recording industry trade group's strategy for eradicating copyright infringement via P2P networks.

"We do not have a single tool for wiping out this scourge of thievery," Bainwol declared, hoisting a large red metal toolbox onto the table before him. "We have a comprehensive toolbox. File sharing is a many-headed hydra, and for every dirty job there is the right tool." Bainwol upended the toolbox, dumping some dozen widely varying hammers onto the table.

He then dumped a five gallon tub of lime Jello onto the table and had at it. Bainwol demonstrated "major legislative lobbying efforts," an eight-pound sledgehammer with which he sundered the shivering mass into a shapeless splat that spattered those in the first two rows on impact and dripped from the table after; "litigation of P2P service providers," a well-worn carpenter's hammer Bainwol wielded with furious speed against the larger lumps left by his primary assault, and several other tools, including "direct prosecution of individuals," a tiny jeweler's hammer. Bainwol applied the latter for fully five minutes, attacking tiny chunks scattered across the table and at times the floor (where he pursued them on hands and knees) with ferocious intensity.

Breathless and sweating freely, Bainwol recovered himself after pursuing a particularly errant gobbet halfway across the stage, and returned to the podium.

"But the RIAA isn't about keeping people from music, unless they're dirty, dirty thieves and pirates. It's about connecting people to music. That's why we're leading the way in promoting the safe, honest, and moral transaction of music over the internet. The internet provides many different avenues to openly, legally, and above all profitably deliver music. And for each of these there is the correct tool for the consumer." With this Bainwol turned another toolbox over above the table and dumped out an assortment of screwdrivers.

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NOAA Administrator Briefly Loses It

Reporters knew they weren't in for an ordinary press conference when NOAA Administrator, retired Navy Vice Admiral Conrad C. Lautenbacher, announced without further preamble that he had "called you all out to just, you know, shoot the... uh, stuff. You know, shoot the bull."

Administrator Lautenbacher invited no questions, launching immediately into a rambling series of reminiscences about his experiences with weather, particularly weather at sea. After several minutes he seemed to note that many of the puzzled reporters, who had been called to NOAA's Washington, DC headquarters on a few hours notice for the special press conference, were not taking notes and were in fact whispering to one another behind notepads. At this point Administrator Lautenbacher's statement took a sharper tone.

"So I suppose you are all wondering why I've asked you here today. Hell, I guess I thought maybe you might want to meet old Conrad C. Lautenbacher. You google old Conrad C., check the news, you know what you get? Fourteen stories. Just for perspective, FEMA Michael Brown will get you about five hundred. Conrad? Good old Harvard Ph.D. Conrad? Rates the big fourteen. Mostly lazy reporters quoting the news wire quoting NOAA press releases, that only mention my name because I put it there. Conrad C. Lautenbacher: who's that? Oh, he's the Administrator at NOAA. Administrator: now, there's a dynamic title, huh? And what does he administrate again? Oh, that's the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. Administrator for the Administration, get it? And what does that Administration administrate? Oh, hey, you know, the oceans, you may have heard of them, they cover 70 percent of the earth's surface? Oh and there was one other little thing, what was that? Oh yes, that's right. The freaking atmosphere. That's the sky to you non-scientists. Troposphere, Stratosphere, Mesosphere, Thermosphere? The wind, the clouds, the air? Oh, that old thing? Surely Conrad C. Lautenbacher doesn't rate much of a mention for being in charge of that. Just the ocean," here Administrator Lautenbacher ripped a large NOAA symbol from the wall behind him. The insignia was mounted on a piece of foam core and featured the agency's motif in characteristic blue, darker blue, and grey. Administrator Lautenbacher thumped his podium with the insignia, which split in two. "The ocean, and the atmosphere. What could Conrad C. Lautenbacher possibly have to say about anything?" Administrator Lautenbacher threw the pieces of the insignia aside.

"So, well, what do you have to say about... things?" a Times reporter asked timidly.

"This most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire why, it appeareth no other thing to me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours," Administrator Lautenbacher responded, and then left the podium.

"No further questions," NOAA Chief Administrative Officer William F. Broglie announced cheerfully. Reporters noted that CAO Broglie's black patent leather loafers shone uncommonly bright.

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Another Blessed Event: Britney Spears' Baby Inks Major Deal

Speculation around the career plans of the infant son of Britney Federline née Spears and Kevin Federline ended as the tiny tot signed a major recording, television, movie and videogame deal with the Sony Corporation and Sony BMG Music Entertainment (Sony BMG controls labels within the Zomba Label Group including Jive Records, home to the Britney Spears recording collection). Insiders suggest that the deal was ready to be signed sooner, but prior to Sunday the child lacked a legal name to make this possible.

No further obstacles appear to impede the launch of the Sean Preston Federline franchise. Sean is currently reviewing post-production of his first album (under stage name Li'l S.P. Feddy), Baby Time: One More!. Agents say that Sean is waiting for the right movie project before committing himself to the often gruelling motion picture shooting schedule, but has already ironed out contractual issues for his appearance as himself in the reality television series Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. Insiders say the deal for series appearences is "not quite as good as Britney's" but "significantly better than Kevin's."

Candid and consequently anonymous sources speculate, however, on whether Sean's career will be overshadowed by the genuinely "chaotic" realities of his pop idol mother's media career and personal life. Noted one source, "at two weeks it's still too soon to tell what direction Sean Preston will go. It really is too bad he wound up with his father's name (you know Madonna told Little Miss Thing 'sister, you don't have to marry the back-up dancer just because you're having his baby') - but we're all keeping our fingers crossed that he got his mother's genes."

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Nintendo "Revolution" Console to Incite Revolution?

Videogaming insiders are discussing the implications of rumors that Nintendo's soon to be released next generation gaming console, which the venerable Japanese corporation has code-named "Revolution," is actually designed to incite political and social evolution by leading children through a series of games infused with subtly disguised proletariat doctrine.

The Revolution will reportedly ship with the title Polybius: 21st Century, where the player guides the titular ancient Greek Historian through the "fall of New Rome."

While Nintendo disavows any underlying political subtext in the game's story, they have remained silent on the release of an alleged internal memo giving details on several planned titles, including Mario and Luigi Sieze the Means of Production, The Legend of Zelda: Link and the Capitalist Enterprise of Dehumanization, and Pokemon: Socialist Revolution.



Revolution: in politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. - Ambrose Bierce
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Zelwegger on Chesney Marriage "Fraud": a Philosophical Difference?

Oscar-awarded actress Renée Zelwegger broke her silence on her star-cross'd, four month marriage with Country-Western music star Kenny Chesney in a statement released through press agents.

"The press has unfortunately fixated on the term "fraud" being cited as the reason for my filing for annulment with Kenneth. Rumors about money issues or sexual incompatibility are simply untrue. And might I note aside how convenient it is for the so-called Society journalists to dwell on the presence of these rumors, with all the attendant public interest these sorts of prurient intrigues attract, while fatuously holding that they are not themselves the perpetrators of such slanderous speculations because they merely 'report' what others are saying.

"In truth, Kenneth told me that he preferred that issues of our personal beliefs not be aired in public, a wish I hoped to honor. Unfortunately, with negative public speculation beginning to turn to me, this is no longer possible.

"I dissolved my marriage with Kenneth Chesney based on philosophical differences. I must stand by my citation of fraud, however. It pains me to say that Kenneth misrepresented himself to me about what he believed. It is certainly no secret to the press that I am a long-time and dedicated Trope Nominalist. I never represented my views any other way to Kenneth. He knew that I saw a world intrinsically devoid of universals, essences or essentials. All interpretation is abstraction generated by metaphysics which are purely a product of the mind and language. During our courtship Kenneth never spoke out against my views and while he didn't actually embraced them, I certainly was given the impression that his beliefs were at least parallel to mine. Kenneth said that he didn't classify his system according a specific philosophical school, but I read him as at worst a sort of pseudo-Realist, functional Resemblance Nominalist, maybe veering into Social Constructivism at times.

"When we got married and started talking about building our life together, it became clear very quickly that Kenneth was really a very radical, cold-blooded Essentialist. He saw everything as a idealistic vessels to be filled with their little grocery list of essential characteristics and be defined by their fundamental natures, and so in turn serve as intrinsic components of greater entities, all converging gloriously together to build Kenny Chesney's Great and Magnificent "Real World." His refusal to this day to own up to the defining label of Essentialism is just an ironic footnote to the fundamental absurdity of his outmoded belief set. Far beyond concealing his fundamental antagonism towards my beliefs, Kenneth is guilty of the worst kind of fraud: intellectual fraud. I feel for Kenneth's fans. They have no idea that he regards them as mere consumers of a Social Fact that he has generated out of his whole cloth of universals."


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A Nation Reels as It's Rome, Baby! Updates Delayed by Power Failure

How much more can America take? In another blow delivered via nature by an apparently vengeful God, storm related power loss delayed the release of updates by the seething-edge sociopolicomedramadidactic weblog It's Rome, Baby!. The latest in a series of American weather-related disasters snuck in between the ravages of Tropical Storms Arlene and Cindy, category four Hurricane Dennis, and category five Hurricane Katrina, and on the cusp of feared destruction by category four Hurricane Rita, currently bearing down on Texas.

Acting Under Secretary of Emergency Preparedness and Response and Acting Director of the Federal Emergency Management Agency R. David Paulison stated "It's Rome, Baby! author Scrivener's characterization, in the preceding paragraph, of this event as a weather-related disaster is, under the circumstances, in extraordinarily poor taste."

Determined as usual to make electric kool-aid from the electric kool-lemons handed to him by la belle dame sans merci, Fate, Scrivener is taking advantage of the opportunity to engage in a brief experiment in increasingly recursive self-reference and to launch a practically invisible site redesign. He advises worthy readers to check back Monday for reestablished regular updates.

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Kate Moss Comes Clean

In a press conference called in the aftermath of her dismissal from the advertising campaign of fashion retail giant H & M following the publication of photographs and allegations of drug use in The Daily Mirror, Kate Moss declared it was time to "come clean, tell the whole story, and let the chips fall where they may." With this Moss proceeded to reveal one of the Fashion Universe's most obvious secrets: "like many top models, I am in fact a superintelligent, genetically modified stick-insectoid produced in the alien hybrid laboratories beneath the ice fields of Europa."

"Europa Park, theme attraction in Southern Germany?" called an Us reporter.

"Sixth and fourth largest of Jupiter's known satellites. Hell, who's supposed to be the bloody insect?" Moss responded heatedly before regaining her composure.

Her insectoid body, Moss explained, served as an armature for the desirable features that had launched her to the dizzy heights of sartorial demonstration. "The lank, processed hair, the prominent cheekbones, the adolescent bosom, the knobby knees, they're all a waxy exudate produced by a gland at the base of my spine. Actually the knobs are mostly my true exoskeleton." She asserted that while allegations of cocaine use were true "as far as they went," they were not really indicators of a dissipated, addictive lifestyle but simple necessities born of the fact that "cocaine and Cristal" are the only Earth-produced foodstuffs her alien physiology can metabolize.

"I'm tired of being dragged in the mud for just being myself. I'm going against every recommendation of my agencies (IMG of New York, Marylin of Paris, and Storm of London declined comment) because I believe that the people of Earth are ready to love me for what I am."

A Vanity Fair reporter questioned Moss' revelations about her dietary restrictions, citing earlier claims that she was a vegan.

"My parents were Vegan, I was decanted and engineered in this Solar System," Moss responded.

A representative of The Sun asked whether Champagne was strictly necessary, or if méthode Champenoise would do. Nictitating membranes snapped across Moss' eyes: she reared up over the reporter and plunged her ovipositor deeply into his abdomen.

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Everybody's Got One: It's the It's Rome, Baby! Opinion Section! Emily Rose

While researching the "true story" (as in "based on a...") behind runaway horror blockbuster The Exorcism of Emily Rose (Sony Pictures Entertainment, Sony Corporation of America), I reviewed the sad history of Anneliese Michel of Bavaria, 1952 - 1976. Here I learned that the unfortunate young woman in question attended the Pedagogic Academy in Wurzburg. And I just thought, "what the hell." Do these kinds of things really exist? More importantly: do they still exist?

The answer is no, at least not in Wurzburg. There is pedagogic academy in Athens. Bydgoszcz has one as well. Liepaja. The Ukrain.

Wurzburg, I learned, does have Fachschulen, Sprachenschulen, Bildungswerke, Fachakademien, Privatschulen, Volkshochschulen, Fachhochschulen, Fachschaften, Sonstige Hochschulen, Universität, Frühförderung, Förderschulen, Gymnasien, Musikschulen, Nichtstädtische Berufsschulen, Realschulen, and Städtische Berufsschulen - which facts led me to question the veracity of the whole "Emily Rose" backstory. It seemed like they were leaving a lot out. Still: you have to admit that it sounds like the kind of place where you'd go to school and wind up crazy.

This concludes our segment on research in online journalism.

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North by Northwest Airlines Declares Bankruptcy

North by Northwest Airlines announced today that it had filed for Chapter 11, days after missing payment on several outstanding financial commitments. NbN also announced that it was closing its doors for extensive restructuring, and was consequently suspending all remaining routes for its assassination flyover service.

NbN flights generally involved mistaken identity, espionage, a beautiful but distant blonde and a lonely, dusty field somewhere far from any chance of help or even notice, and were plagued with scheduling delays.

In addition, a senior NbN engineer reported in a leaked internal memo, flyovers that did arrive on schedule had an extremely low rate of success in making a "terminal connection" with their target individual - "primarily," he writes, "because nearly any healthy person can escape pursuit by running into the corn."

In a recent statement North by Northwest indicated it was losing market share to budget carriers such as Value Whack.

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Hey Paris, Watch Me Pull a Scandal Out of Your Phone! AGAIN?

Paris Hilton faces scandal once again as a Bluetooth hack yielded several videos from the heiress' T-Mobile Sidekick II personal communication device. The unknown hacker then used the wireless multimedia and internet connectivity functions of the Sidekick unit (which Ms. Hilton has meticulously decorated with Swarovski crystals) to hack into her T-Mobile "tmail" account, where they gained access to dozens more videos. So far her legal swat unit has headed off any broad release of the video. But the situation is hopeless, internet pundits avow: the videos are out there: they're real, and they are shocking.

Ms. Hilton is widely recognized and admired for her masterful management of the release of her "the things I'll do for love" sex videos, ultimately produced as the DVD 1 Night in Paris. It is acknowledged that perpetrators of the tape's release were personally bitch slapped by Ms. Hilton in the fullest and most satisfyingly legal sense of the word, and that Ms. Hilton proceeded to manipulate the media gestalt around the videos into an unusually strong launch for her reality television series, Hicks is Tricks. But industry insiders wonder if the fairy tale Snow Goddess, actress, heiress to the hospitality fortune of parents Rick and Kathy Hilton, great granddaughter of fortune founder Conrand Hilton (grandfather, Conrad ''Nicky'' Hilton, Jr., was notably first of Elizabeth Taylor's many ex-husbands), author, model, designer, club developer and owner, will weather the latest storm.

By various reports the 27 or 29 videos were taken by Hilton of herself. Those who have seen them describe them as alternately composed of "performance art, movement theater, and mime." According to an expert in the field, who claims he was emailed the videos by the hacker him- or herself, the videos are "artistic, very experimental, and spectacularly boring. From the perspective of the standards of performance and movement art this is saying a very great deal indeed."

In one video, Ms. Hilton silently wraps what appears to be a class ring in purple yarn, pausing periodically to apply clear nail polish to the wrapped yarn. By the end of the 27 minute video she is holding a ball of glistening yarn one foot in diameter. In another she meticulously applies Swarovski crystals to her T-Mobile Sidekick II personal communication device.

Others examples follow more closely in the tradition of performance art, and feature Ms. Hilton crouching and cowering, shrieking, among shards of broken glass, and slapping herself repeatedly on the head with a slab of raw meat.

There are also videos with dialog. In one Paris Hilton tells a short joke repeatedly.

"What did the doe say when she walked out of the forest?"
"I'll never do that for two bucks again."

Between each repetition Ms. Hilton sings "a deer, a female deer" in a surprisingly robust alto.

She repeats the joke 783 times.

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The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis, the Secret Life of Bob Denver

Among the personal effects of recently deceased actor Bob "Gilligan" Denver was a fifty thousand page handwritten manuscript entitled The Myth of the Island: A Theory of Everything. Apparently written over the course of 30 years, and only finished a few months prior to Denver's death, the massive investigation of science and philosophy opens with R. Crumb's Mr. Natural's totemic proclamation "twas ever thus" and ends "tis well," the final words of George Washington.

Between these enigmatic bookends Denver explores ontology, epistemology, paleontology, astrobiology, exobiology, astrology, cosmology, graphology, cryptology, soteriology, teleology, eschatology, selenology, orology, mythology, synecology, topology, apiology, kymatology, phonology, phrenology, etymology, entomology, formicology, reflexology, campanology, axiology, enigmatology, archaeology, meteorology, speleology, helioseismology, chelonology, carpology, mythology, neurophysiology, sociology, thanatology, doxology, horology, morphology, dendrology, cryology, geochronology, gerontology, herbology, and zymology.

Friends expressed surprise at both the breadth of Denver's inquiries and the volume of his writing. Several noted that for many years he would take to his den for two or three hours most days, ostensibly to "watch television."

"Mostly," stated one friend who wished to remain unnamed, "we just thought he was smoking a little reefer."

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iPod femto unveiled, lost

Apple CEO Steve Jobs today unveiled the iPod femto, latest edition to the popular portable music player line, and then promptly lost the 1 by 1 by 5 millimeter device.

Jobs began the unveiling with typical aplomb, pomp, and hyperbole, announcing that he would presently "blow all y'all's minds straight out the back of this auditorium" and render "all earthly creations obsolete, including the Bible." He then passed into a somewhat rambling and philosophical discussion of Apple's corporate philosophy.

"It took me twenty five years, but I finally got everybody by the balls. Apple's strategy is perfect now. Everything is just going to get smaller and smaller and cooler and cooler and more expensive. So much more expensive. You can't even imagine what you're going to pay. But you have to. You have to have it all. To be cool. You have to be cool. And myself? I just need more millions of dollars. You see how everybody wins. That's Apple."

With that, Jobs rummaged around in his beard and held out what appeared to be a tiny white sliver.

"Behold," he intoned, "the iPod femto. Not just the smallest music player but the smallest piece of electronics of any kind... Damnit!" Jobs then dropped to his knees and began searching the floor around his podium.

Jobs called for more lights on stage: at this point, through an unfortunate technical error his presentation crew dropped seventy pounds of multicolored confetti instead.

"Steve started swearing like a truck driver on angel dust then, man," an unnamed AV team member reported. "That's when we had to cut his mic."

"Screw this," said Jobs in a later interview, when queried about certain fundamental flaws in the design of the femto. "External electronics are so early twenty-first century. The iPod zepto? You go down to Claire's Botique, they're just gonna punch it straight into your skull."

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Jolie-Pitt Split?

Hot on the heels of marriage rumors, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are rumored to be headed towards splitsville in the wake of Pitt's discovery of a hidden shrine in the actress' home dedicated to Elizabeth Taylor. Sources close to Pitt indicate that the shrine contained hundreds of photographs and news clippings featuring the septuagenarian screen icon. Taylor is considered by many to be the last great star to arise from the old Hollywood regime of the post WWII era.

"Of course, finding evidence of another of Angelina's strange obsessions alone would not have been enough to put Brad off," said the source. "It was the gallery of husbands that he couldn't get past."

Taylor has notoriously been married eight times, twice to Richard Burton. Jolie's Taylor shrine reportedly featured a row of portraits of Taylor's past husbands. Portraits of Jolie's first two husbands, Jonny Lee and Billy Bob Thorton were hung beneath these, placed in correspondence to Taylor's first two husbands (Lee beneath hotel magnate Nicky Hilton, Thorton beneath actor Michael Wilding).

A portrait of Pitt had not yet been hung beneath Taylor's third husband, producer Michael Todd, the source related.

"But she had already installed a hook on the wall where one would go. It seemed clear that she was getting ready to add her latest conquest to the gallery."

Pitt is devastated by the discovery, the source continued. "He feels like he's been collected. Angelina clearly has some sort of deep obsession with Elizabeth Taylor, and Brad feels like he was recruited simply to meet some sort of marriage quota."

The position of correspondence to Todd is not an enviable one: Todd died in a plane crash in 1958, just over a year after being married to Taylor, making the match a rarity for Taylor in that it did not end in divorce. The source close to Pitt would not speculate as to whether Pitt had fears as to how far Jolie would go to complete the correspondence between her life and Taylor's.

"Brad hasn't spoken about that aspect of it. To suggest that Angelina had designs on Pitt's death as well as his life would probably be stretching the point. Although nobody is disputing that Angelina is crazy as a box of crooked sticks."

Kanye Westbot Returns to Planet Zarg with 1.8 Million Earth Dollars

Supreme Commander Garlax praised the synthoid automoton for distinguished service. "Westbot has siezed significant assets from the filthy human scum, encouraged hide-tone and dominion tribe bond-based dissent at a time of great crisis, and fomented controversy around human icon Fifty Cent, who as you know Zarg prophecy names as a possible destined savior of earth-kind. He also impregnated one hundred and six earth women with hybrid Zarg DNA."

Roc-A-Fella records will be renting a remote control replacebot from parent company Island Def Jam Music Group, which will rent it from parent company Universal Music Group, which will rent it from parent company Vivendi Universal, which will rent it from the only current Earth-based provider of synthetic humans, News Corp. The synthoid will be operated by an MTV Network (parent company Viacom) crash team and will fulfill Westbot's contractual obligations until it ceases to be relevant.

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The Fats Domino-New Orleans Alliance

The 77 year-old R&B idol, who had earlier lamented that he and his family had lost everything, appeared with new resolve to announce that he would single-handedly lead the reconstruction of Hurricane Katrina-devastated New Orleans.

"What can you do? How long can a man watch something he loves being pawed and insulted by the lowest kind of soulless jackals? I've been working in the recording industry for fifty six years, I've never seen such a bunch of fools, and dear Lord that's saying something. I'm an old man, I don't want this. I said twenty years ago I wouldn't leave New Orleans again. I'm going to make sure it's true next time I go back."

Domino's discussion on his vision for his home town carried the first startling revelations that the Bobkat Music Trust, founded by manager Robert G. Vernon partnered in 1995, has been quietly but deeply investing in core nanotechnology start-ups and basic patents for nearly a decade. Domino declined to speculate about manager Vernon's decisions to attach assets derived from thousands of songs and video productions controlled by the trust to a largely speculative and untested nascent technology of the transformation of matter at the molecular scale.

"I've been with Bob ever since I thought I'd settled back down in New Orleans for good. He always treated me right. I trust him. He's got all kinds of things going on. He wrote a screenplay about the secret government conspiracy. It's pretty good."

New New Orleans, which will be rebuilt from the remnants of the old on the molecular level, is planned to be entirely flotational and covered by a network of retractable geodesic domes.

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Mel Gibson: Not a Real Gas Shortage

The controversial Australian actor, director, writer and producer broadcast a short statement from an undisclosed location deep underground, where he now spends any time he is not working on films. "When you have to run a decoy tanker through a petrol bandit gauntlet while your fellow refinery villagers smuggle the precious, precious fuel out of the compound in hundreds of small containers, that's a shortage, mate. This nonsense here now it's just another political plot. You know who I'm talking about. I have several distribution contract riders that dictate that I can't say who. But you know. Anyway. You'll know when there's a shortage. Look at yourself in the mirror. Are you wearing athletic equipment as body armor? Have you shaved some portion of your scalp? Does your wardrobe include leather? Feathers? Metal plates? When was the last time you were threatened with some sort of harpoon? Are you always armed? By the way, the fact that I can answer yes to all of these questions at this moment is not relevant."

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Lance Armstrong Vows to Ride Down All Evil

Armstrong recently announced that he was retiring following an unprecedented streak of consecutive Tour de France championships, and has now declared that he will spend the remainder of his days running the perpetrators of evil to the ground.

"You know who you are. In no more than the time it takes me to ride to where you are, I may come upon you like a furious tour of retribution," stated Armstrong. "Repent or I will eradicate you, as I eradicated all Tour de France competition, as I eradicated cancer from my own body."

Armstrong concluded, "as I have repeatedly stated, during no time in my professional cycling career did I employ performance-enhancing drugs. I tell you that now, at this moment, that I do have a performance-enhancing drug in my system, and the name of that drug is Christ Jesus our Lord. My fiery wheels of vengeance will destroy many of the lapdogs of Satan in the days to come."

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Pat Robertson: Brewing Scandal at Christian Broadcasting Network

Insiders whisper there is a brewing scandal within the Christian Broadcasting Network Inc. An aide within the organization has stated that it is an "open secret" among increasingly alarmed CBN executives that founder and chairman Marion Gordon "Pat" Robertson has become "completely obsessed" with Harry Potter trading cards.

"It started out he put in a requisition for a couple of starter packs, for research purposes," stated the aide, who wishes to remain anonymous out of fear of repercussions from the powerful media ministry. "This is nothing unusual, Pat has us purchase a lot of weird stuff for his so-called research. But week after week he just kept ordering more booster packs, and pretty soon a number of people had caught him surfing trading sites on the internet. He kept saying he needed more research, he was convinced this was serious threat to our children by fifth-columnist secular humanist witches and warlocks. Everyone one was like, 'Pat, we know everything about Harry Potter condones witchcraft and is therefore condemned by the Lord. What else is there to research?' "

Robertson's obsession soon became too acute to conceal, at least from those within the organization. "On the 700 Club he's still keeping it together, calling for the assassination of foreign leaders, explaining the connections between catastrophic events in society and the gays, and which fictional television characters are gay, and so on," stated the aide. "But off camera all he talks about is foil premium and holo-portrait cards he's still missing. He doesn't even pretend that it's for research anymore. He has his collection in a limited edition leatherette binder right on his desk."

According to the aide, key board members and network executives recently attempted an intervention with Robertson. When confronted with evidence of his habit and strong scriptural injunctions against the glorification of black magic, Robertson reportedly shouted "Obliviate! Obliviate!" and then ran from the room.

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Jude Law: Nude Law

Embattled celebrity Jude Law is reportedly negotiating a lucrative premium cable series deal to lead in a proposed legal drama, Nude Law. Law would play Nigel Lawson, an ambition-driven corporate lawyer who comes from a family of dedicated nudists. Law's character will struggle with the conflicts between his career and the Bohemian lifestyle of his parents and siblings, says executive producer Paul "Specky" Speck.

The producer added, "think of him as Alex from Family Ties grown up, if the Keatons were nudists. And Alex was gay." Tina Yothers was unavailable for comment.

While the majority of scenes occurring in nudist settings will be handled with what writers call "playful visual innuendo," featuring no ratable nudity, fully nude extras will appear in each episode "for artistic composition and realism befitting a serious legal and social drama," (according to a network statement), and rumors hint that the regular full or partial display of Mr. Law's naked buttocks is being negotiated in his current proposed contract. Sources suggest that the current point of intense negotiation is whether Law will be compensated for these scenes on an per-episode or per-buttock basis.

In related news, tentative progress with ex-fiancee Sienna Miller was said to have suffered grave setbacks when the actress reportedly heard Law (apparently unconsciously) singing pseudo-sexist rock anthem satire "Big Bottoms" by fictional rock group Spinal Tap in the shower.

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Hurricane Katrina: Origins of the Black and Grey

Origins of the influential 20's political activist group Black and Grey are traced to the catastrophic aftermath of 2005's category 5 hurricane Katrina. Evacuation, temporary refuge occupation, and permanent relocation on an unprecedented scale created a historically unique degree of interaction of two distinct, disparate social elements. While the underlying economic, medical and social factors that led to the particular demographic distributions of late evacuees, non-evacuees, temporary refugees, and relocated persons were well-established and understood prior to the catastrophe, the social phenomenon that rose during the ensuing months was predicted by no one.

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The Kelly Monaco Zeitgeist Project

Actress Kelly Monaco, AKA Samantha 'Sam' McCall on ABC's General Hospital, left her West Hollywood home this morning to travel to John Hopkins University in Baltimore. There the pretty brunette will be frozen in carbonite in preparation for a full quantum gravitational scan of her central nervous system and sensorium. Several prominent heads of state and great thinkers of the age have undergone this procedure; Ms. Monaco is the first soap opera star.

After revival from biostasis Monaco will engage in a month long process of memory retrieval and response mapping, as John Hopkins researchers attempt to encode a digital personality construct into the geist image captured through the quantum scanning of Ms. Monaco. Currently, 45% of geist recordings reject personality encoding, although several of these nonconforming models are exhibiting nonanthropomorphic autonomous cognition.

Industry insiders report that ABC is banking on an enthusiastic response from its bulletproof General Hospital core audience to experiencing the new simulated presence simulcast of the long-running daytime drama from within the sensory simulacrum of Sam McCall. A leaked confidential Sony memo states that adoption of the hotly anticipated virtual experience has been slower than expected. The memo cites lack of "sim-be" content and an invasive installation procedure as obstacles to consumer acceptance, noting "very few focus group participants expressed enthusiasm in submitting to the outpatient procedure for installation of the brain tap in exchange for the promise of seeing reality through the minds of Stephen Hawking or Richard Cheney." ABC, which has invested heavily in presence broadcast equipment, hopes that the vivacious presence of Ms. Monaco will provide the incentive for "Jill and Joe Six-pack to get another hole punched in their skulls," a network source reports.

Hopes shared by Kelly Monaco: in a press statement at LAX she told reporters "it is my belief that all women and most men would like to feel what it is like to be a pretty girl. I hope to give them that."


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Britney Spears: "Sue me, bioTchEz!"

At the press conference Federline née Spears stated: "Yo yo, yeah y'all. Me and my posse beeped y'all so you could tell all those punkass biotches, all those paparizzle and tabloid mofo fo shizzle, this the new way we gonna roll Malibu style from now on fo' real real. You get all up in Barbie's Dream House when I gots my peeps up in my crib, well, you wait and see what happens, fo' real? You don't like what happens, biotch, go ahead and sue my ass and you see if you like what happens then"

Man Manny of the Sudbury Sentinel asked if Spears was admitting by her statement that either her entourage or some member of her household was responsible for the August pellet gunning of Paparazzo Brad Diaz.

The pop idol replied: "Yo, I heard that punk biotch, that Briazzle Diazzle, he say he got all shot up outside my home, he say he all bleeding and shit, yo? I don't know. I know my crew be hard like fo' real gangstas, yo? The 'Bu be hard like 3100, yo, homies? We got all kind of straps up in my crib, like fo protection, yo? We got Airsoft, we got some paintball, yo like Kevin got him a BB gun fo' his birthday. They be strapped all over up in Miami, yo, I got a lotta fans, I can't control them. So if he going to be all like bitch, you broke my skin, yo I'm all like you lucky, punk! That shit coulda gone in your eye, and you'd be all like blind! You could get tetanus, or like an infection? And like die and shit? You just better know that if you get up in my crib and you be taking pictures or you be stalking, like, somebody I don't know may pop a pellezzle in you skizzle. Yo?"

In response to a call a junior editor at hick hop culture periodical Wigger Weekly Whizzle confirmed that Mrs. Federline née Spears' statement indicated firing a plastic pellet from an air rifle, resulting in the pellet becoming lodged under the skin.

At this point reporter Nancy Papsmere of the Calabass Eye, who had not been called upon, loudly interjected a question as to whether the fact that Mrs. Federline née Spears was "talking funny" was connected to rumors of a planned album of "dirty west coast gangsta rap," said to be the brain child of spouse Federline.

Federline née Spears responded heatedly, "Aw, no you didn't, I know you didn't just say I be talking funny, biotch! Ooh, ooh, you gonna, ooh you gonna, oh the Brizzle Sp'rizzle gonna pellezzle you, you're gonna get a pezzle, a plezzle -" at which time Federline née Spears' manager took the microphone and announced that Federline née Spears would take no further questions. As Federline née Spears was led from the conference room by her entourage, an unknown reporter shouted "who is the Brizzle Sp'rizzle?" Federline née Spears' manager responded "I don't know"

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Emma Watson Shall Rule Us All

2009: In a surprising upset, Emma Watson wins the Best Actress Oscar for her portrayal of Hermione in Harry Potter and the Veil of Forever

2010: Ms. Watson overshadows all other celebrities at the premier of Mr. and Mrs. Smith Go to Washington when she arrives with HRH Prince Henry of Wales.

2011: Ms. Watson announces that her role as Violet in the popular adaptation of M.T. Anderson's Feed will be her last acting role for an indefinite period of time. She returns to Oxford to complete her undergraduate studies in Politics and International Relations. The Queen Mother dies of congestive heart failure in July. Ms. Watson is photographed embracing the distraught Prince Henry at the funeral.

2014: The Crown announces that HRH Prince Henry of Wales and Ms. Emma Charlotte Duerre Watson are engaged to be married.

2016: Ms. Watson receives her DPhil from Oxford. The royal wedding in July is the most widely viewed event in television broadcast history.

2022: March 1st: 750 bombs are detonated within the space of three hours during the Shrove Tuesday Attacks. Churches and centers of government are targeted in Washington D.C., New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Tokyo, Mexico City, Sao, Paulo, Lagos, Bombay, Calcutta, Buenos Aires, London, Aberdeenshire, Sidney, Melbourne, and Canberra. Casualties in the United States include the President, Vice President, 132 Representatives including the speaker of the house, 45 sentators including the President pro tempore, the Secretary of State, the Secretary of the Treasury, the Secretary of Defense, the Attorney General, the Attorney General, and the Secretary of the Interior. Casualties in Great Britain include the Prime Minister, seventeen Cabinet Ministers, 317 members of Parliament, an Archbishop, 19 bishops, 106 Lords of the Peerage, King Charles and Queen Camilla, Princess Kate, Prince Phillip, and Prince Andrew. Prince William is badly injured and crowned King of England in a hospital in an undisclosed location.

At the time of the attacks, known only to a few dozen officials and members of the Royalty, Prince Harry was with Princess Emma at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN, where the princess was receiving a comprehensive CAT scan due to a preliminary scan which her private physician feared indicated the presence of a brain tumor. The Mayo finds no evidence of a tumor.

The period following the attacks is the most chaotic in modern times since World War II. The governments of the United States, the United Kingdom, and Australia are dangerously destabilized. Factional local governments and vigilante militias conflict with hamstrung successional governments operating from secured locations. Sporadic bombings continue. A widely leaked CIA report concludes that it will be necessary to engage renegade governments in seven different fronts in the Middle East, Eastern Europe, and Southeast Asia.

2025: King William is killed leading volunteer forces, the so-called "New Light Brigade," in the third Middle Eastern front. Prince Henry is crowned in the rebuilt Westminster Abbey.

2027: The Second United States Civil War begins.

2028: The New Royalist movement in the United Kingdom begins a successful propaganda campaign asserting that various prominent members of government were architects of policies that led to the rise of organized global terrorism. This position gains momentum as a paper written by Emma Watson, now affectionately known by her subjects as "Queen Em," during her graduate studies, is widely disseminated on the internet. Titled "Most Dangerous Games," the paper suggested that political cronyism is leading the governments of the United States and the United Kingdom to ignore gathering threats from various governments with covert ties to terrorist organizations. The paper identified four of the seven governments with whom the allied forces are currently engaged. The Crown declines comment on the paper and the Royalist movement, but Oxford University confirms that it was written by Queen Em in 2015.

2030: Massive Royalist demonstrations move through London during elections. New Royalists secure majority leadership in Parliament. Restructuring of government, centered on increasing the role of the House of Lords and installing the Monarchy as active executives of the state. A joint statement by King Henry and Queen Emma declares that they will "rule as Their subjects direct."

2032: Queen Emma is instrumental in negotiating the Charlottesville Peace Accords. The New Colonial movement takes root in the reformed United States of America. Royalism is already gaining momentum in Australia.

2045: Victory is declared in the Middle Eastern and Southeast Asian theatres. King Henry dies of complications associated with skin cancer. Queen Emma is confirmed as the Royal Monarch of the United Kingdom and of the United States and Australian Colonies.

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The Dream Journal of Jessica Simpson

I was in the passenger seat of a white pickup truck and Jesus was driving, dressed in shining white robes just like in a painting but He was wearing this bright orange feed cap with a confederate flag patch on the front.

He was driving with one hand on the wheel and the other one out the window resting on the hood of the cab and He turned to me and said "my daughter, you have had a wardrobe malfunction," and that was when I realized I was topless, no bra or anything, all I had on were a pair of low-rider daisy dukes and to make it worse I must have decided to go it commando because I could feel the back seam crawling right up my butt. So I crossed my arms across my chest even though He wasn't looking at them and I said "oh Lord, you know it's in my contract I'll never do nudies." But He shook his head and He had such a sad look in His eyes and He said "it is too late, my daughter. The pictures have already been posted to the internet."

"Jesus," I said, "did you see my teevee show? It's about traditional family values."

"You mean Dumb and Dumber?" he asked. It took me a minute to realize what he'd said and I was so hurt I couldn't even talk at first. I said "Jesus, didn't you read my In Style interview? The whole dumb blonde thing is just an act!"

Jesus was humming "In Christ a Solid Rock I Stand" and I thought I might feel better if I sang along but I just couldn't sing a hymn topless. I got more and more uncomfortable and finally I had to say something just to break the silence. "Dukes is just a summer popcorn movie, Lord. You know it's not what my real message is about."

Then He just let go of the steering wheel and lifted both his hands up and said "you better not let the General Lee hear you say that."

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It's A Disclaimer, Baby!

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Comprehensive Archive List 2005

August 2005

Date :: Article :: Topics

8.3.05 :: WHY it IS as it IS :: Frogs, Scorpions, Fables, Nature

8.18.05 :: It's A Disclaimer, Baby! :: Fiction, Nonfiction, Legality, Archive

8.18.05 :: The Dream Journal of Jessica Simpson :: Jessica Simpson, Jesus Christ, Dukes of Hazzard, Lucid Dreaming

8.18.05 :: Emma Watson Shall Rule Us All :: Emma Watson, Harry Potter, Prince Henry, Societal Collapse and the Coming Dark Age

8.22.05 :: Britney Spears: "Sue me, bioTchEz!" :: Britney Federline née Spears, Brad Diaz, Malibu, Hip Hop

8.26.05 :: The Kelly Monaco Zeitgeist Project :: Kelly Monaco, General Hospital, Artificial Intelligence, Simulated Presence via Sensory Simulacrum

8.31.05 :: Hurricane Katrina: Origins of the Black and Grey :: Hurricane Katrina, Race, Age, Realpolitik

8.31.05 :: Jude Law: Nude Law :: Jude Law, Nudism, Tina Yothers, Sienna Miller

September 2005

Date :: Article :: Topics

9.6.05 :: Pat Robertson: Brewing Scandal at Christian Broadcasting Network ::
Marion Gordon (Pat) Robertson, Harry Potter, Hobby Addiction, Witchcraft

9.6.05 :: Lance Armstrong Vows to Ride Down All Evil :: Lance Armstrong, Bicycling, Tour de France, Evil

9.7.05 :: Mel Gibson: Not a Real Gas Shortage :: Mel Gibson, Gas Shortage, Post-apocalyptic Australia, Thunderdome

9.8.05 :: The Fats Domino-New Orleans Alliance :: Fats Domino, New Orleans, Hurricane Katrina, Nanotechnology

9.9.05 :: Kanye Westbot Returns to Planet Zarg with 1.8 Million Earth Dollars :: Kanye West, Alien Presence, Robot, Hip Hop

9.12.05 :: Jolie-Pitt Split? :: Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Elizabeth Taylor, Celebrity Marriage

9.13.05 :: iPod femto unveiled, lost :: Apple Computer Inc., iPod, Steve Jobs, Cranial Jack Technology

9.14.05 :: The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis, the Secret Life of Bob Denver :: Bob Denver, Gilligan’s Island, -Ology, Reefer

9.15.05 :: Hey Paris, Watch Me Pull a Scandal Out of Your Phone! AGAIN? :: Paris Hilton, Bluetooth Hacking, Performance Art, Conrad Hilton Hospitality Fortune

9.16.05 :: North by Northwest Airlines Declares Bankruptcy :: North By Northwest, Airline Bankruptcy, Fly-by Shooting, Assassination

9.20.05 :: Everybody's Got One: It's the It's Rome, Baby! Opinion Section! Emily Rose :: Emily Rose, Posession, Pedagogy, Research

9.21.05 :: Kate Moss Comes Clean :: Kate Moss, Modelling, Cocaine, Alien Presence

9.23.05 :: A Nation Reels as It's Rome Baby! Updates Delayed by Power Failure :: Rome, Self-Reference, Weather, Site News

9.26.05 :: Zelwegger on Chesney Marriage "Fraud": a Philosophical Difference? :: Renée Zelwegger, Kenny Chesney, Philosophy, Celebrity Marriage

9.27.05 :: Nintendo "Revolution" Console to Incite Revolution? :: Videogames, Nintendo, Marxism, Polybius

9.28.05 :: Another Blessed Event: Britney Spears' Baby Inks Major Deal :: Britney Federline née Spears, Kevin Federline, Sean Preston Federline, Future Mouseketeers

9.29.05 :: NOAA Administrator Briefly Loses It :: Government, Weather, Ocean, Sky

9.30.05 :: WinMX Down, Jello to Go: RIAA CEO Demonstrates File Sharing Strategy :: P2P, RIAA, Music, Jello

October 2005

Date :: Article :: Topics

10.3.05 :: Demi and Ashton: Your Kabbalah Wedding and You :: Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Celebrity Marriage, Kabbalah

10.4.05 :: Nicholas Cage Names Baby After Superman, Prompting It's Rome, Baby! Author Scrivener to File Suit :: Nicholas Cage, Baby Names, Parental Insanity, Superman

10.7.05 :: The Spears Federline Holmes Cruise Simpson Lachey Connection :: Britney Federline née Spears, Jessica Simpson, Katie Holmes, Tom DeLay

10.10.05 :: For Great Justice: It's Rome, Baby! on Jury Duty :: Justice, Self-Reference, Jury Duty, Alcoholic Beverages

10.11.05 :: Push Lindsay Lohan Back Into the Envelope :: Lindsay Lohan, Vanity Fair, Vanity, Birthday Suit

10.13.05 :: Inspired by Jessica Biel: It's the It's Rome, Baby! Superlative Adjective Noun Week! :: Jessica Biel, Sexiestness, Superlatives, Hyperbole

10.13.05 :: Vikings Football Club "Sex Cruise" Scandal Inspires First Ever It's Rome, Baby! External Link :: Vikings Football, Sexual Misconduct, Boats, Sports Curses

10.24.05 :: Justice Got Served: Memos Continue from Plague House :: Justice, Self-Reference, Plague, Snot

10.24.05 :: Daniel Craig: Mysteries of the Reincarnation of James Bond :: License to Kill, Peter Sellers is Ill, the Failure of Modernity is a Bitter Pill

10.27.05 :: Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn Observe Checkout Lane-iversary :: Tabloids, Hollywood Ritual, CelebRomance

10.31.05 :: Inexplicable Sequel Files: Pitching Saw III: Rube Jigsaw :: Real Horrorshow, Krovvy, Bit of the 'ol Ultraviolence, fellow droogies?

November 2005

Date :: Article :: Topics

11.01.05 :: Life Imitates Art Imitating Life? Theron, Berry, and the Alleged Bouquet :: George Washington served his full terms in the White House, Nobody knew Pearl Harbor was coming, Lee Harvey Oswald Acted Alone

11.04.05 :: Remember the Reason for the Season: Guy Fawkes and the Gunpowder Plot :: Guy Fawkes, Bonfire Night, Sorry but the BBC historical funtime flash game link doesn’t work any more...

11.04.05 :: 14:59 :: Cheerleaders, Alleged Lesbians, Andy Warhol

11.17.05 :: Sarah Silverman: Controversy is Easy on the Eyes :: Sarah Silverman, Lenny Bruce, You do the math

11.29.05 :: Wasting Away Again in Blogaritaville :: The first of many announcements of the End of the Website

And of course, the now famous It's Rome, Baby! Disclaimer

This ought to go without saying. I've noted, however, that it seldom does. In the case of the satire, the hoax, or the fantasy creation, the temptation is to allow it to go without being said, the better to promote verisimilitude. Be this as it may, after long consideration I came to the conclusion that it was best to start from a basis of absolute clarity and honesty. If the thing cannot stand on its own merits, without the need for subterfuge or obsfucation, then it is a failure anyway.

It's Rome, Baby! is entirely a work of fiction. None of the events related herein actually occurred, none of the representations of actual individuals are actually representative of any individuals, and no message, moral, critique, analysis, or judgment should be inferred from any of the pieces of fiction here presented. The title It's Rome, Baby! is the full extent of social commentary intended by this small and humble entertainment.