Actress Kelly Monaco, AKA Samantha 'Sam' McCall on ABC's General Hospital, left her West Hollywood home this morning to travel to John Hopkins University in Baltimore. There the pretty brunette will be frozen in carbonite in preparation for a full quantum gravitational scan of her central nervous system and sensorium. Several prominent heads of state and great thinkers of the age have undergone this procedure; Ms. Monaco is the first soap opera star.
After revival from biostasis Monaco will engage in a month long process of memory retrieval and response mapping, as John Hopkins researchers attempt to encode a digital personality construct into the geist image captured through the quantum scanning of Ms. Monaco. Currently, 45% of geist recordings reject personality encoding, although several of these nonconforming models are exhibiting nonanthropomorphic autonomous cognition.
Industry insiders report that ABC is banking on an enthusiastic response from its bulletproof General Hospital core audience to experiencing the new simulated presence simulcast of the long-running daytime drama from within the sensory simulacrum of Sam McCall. A leaked confidential Sony memo states that adoption of the hotly anticipated virtual experience has been slower than expected. The memo cites lack of "sim-be" content and an invasive installation procedure as obstacles to consumer acceptance, noting "very few focus group participants expressed enthusiasm in submitting to the outpatient procedure for installation of the brain tap in exchange for the promise of seeing reality through the minds of Stephen Hawking or Richard Cheney." ABC, which has invested heavily in presence broadcast equipment, hopes that the vivacious presence of Ms. Monaco will provide the incentive for "Jill and Joe Six-pack to get another hole punched in their skulls," a network source reports.
Hopes shared by Kelly Monaco: in a press statement at LAX she told reporters "it is my belief that all women and most men would like to feel what it is like to be a pretty girl. I hope to give them that."
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