Actor Nicholas Cage and wife of fourteen months, former sushi waitress Alice Kim Cage, elected to name their newborn son Kal-el Coppola Cage. Kal-el is, of course, Superman's Kryptonian birth name. Yodeling-edge pseudosurrealist quantum-absurdist weblog author Scrivener immediately filed suit in New York. The complaint accuses Cage of "messing with my flavor."
"Recasting the dull pig iron of celebrity culture into an exquisite tracery of illusion is my job," Scrivener explained in a statement on his culture-defining weblog It's Rome, Baby!. "If people like Nicholas Cage are going to just go and dive into pure fantasy and absurdity, I have no choice but to protect my business model."
The suit reportedly demands that Cage immediately rename the infant "something normal, like, from the Bible, or a popular daytime dramatic series," and compensate Scrivener for $8.723194 million in estimated revenue lost because Cage's "naming decision left nothing for the imagination to do."
Asked if the compensatory figure was excessive (It's Rome, Baby!'s cumulative revenue of $4.98 to date was cited), Scrivener asserted that "I strongly feel that the Nicholas Cage Baby series would have been a major financial turning point in the blog's fortunes, if Cage had not committed this wanton and senseless act of real world satire. I guess maybe I could have done something about how Cage and his wife would be subsequently changing their names to Jor El and Lara Kim Cage (seriously, true story, both of them have the middle name Kim. These people are killing me). That's got to be strictly confidential though, or my lawsuit is going into the toilet, and that's my new business model. Wait, damn it," Scrivener added, upon realizing that once again he was thinking in text and then heedlessly publishing it all to the internet.
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