In a press conference called in the aftermath of her dismissal from the advertising campaign of fashion retail giant H & M following the publication of photographs and allegations of drug use in The Daily Mirror, Kate Moss declared it was time to "come clean, tell the whole story, and let the chips fall where they may." With this Moss proceeded to reveal one of the Fashion Universe's most obvious secrets: "like many top models, I am in fact a superintelligent, genetically modified stick-insectoid produced in the alien hybrid laboratories beneath the ice fields of Europa."
"Europa Park, theme attraction in Southern Germany?" called an Us reporter.
"Sixth and fourth largest of Jupiter's known satellites. Hell, who's supposed to be the bloody insect?" Moss responded heatedly before regaining her composure.
Her insectoid body, Moss explained, served as an armature for the desirable features that had launched her to the dizzy heights of sartorial demonstration. "The lank, processed hair, the prominent cheekbones, the adolescent bosom, the knobby knees, they're all a waxy exudate produced by a gland at the base of my spine. Actually the knobs are mostly my true exoskeleton." She asserted that while allegations of cocaine use were true "as far as they went," they were not really indicators of a dissipated, addictive lifestyle but simple necessities born of the fact that "cocaine and Cristal" are the only Earth-produced foodstuffs her alien physiology can metabolize.
"I'm tired of being dragged in the mud for just being myself. I'm going against every recommendation of my agencies (IMG of New York, Marylin of Paris, and Storm of London declined comment) because I believe that the people of Earth are ready to love me for what I am."
A Vanity Fair reporter questioned Moss' revelations about her dietary restrictions, citing earlier claims that she was a vegan.
"My parents were Vegan, I was decanted and engineered in this Solar System," Moss responded.
A representative of The Sun asked whether Champagne was strictly necessary, or if méthode Champenoise would do. Nictitating membranes snapped across Moss' eyes: she reared up over the reporter and plunged her ovipositor deeply into his abdomen.
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