Armstrong recently announced that he was retiring following an unprecedented streak of consecutive Tour de France championships, and has now declared that he will spend the remainder of his days running the perpetrators of evil to the ground.
"You know who you are. In no more than the time it takes me to ride to where you are, I may come upon you like a furious tour of retribution," stated Armstrong. "Repent or I will eradicate you, as I eradicated all Tour de France competition, as I eradicated cancer from my own body."
Armstrong concluded, "as I have repeatedly stated, during no time in my professional cycling career did I employ performance-enhancing drugs. I tell you that now, at this moment, that I do have a performance-enhancing drug in my system, and the name of that drug is Christ Jesus our Lord. My fiery wheels of vengeance will destroy many of the lapdogs of Satan in the days to come."
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