In case you lost track of the dullest Hollywood cat fight of the 21st Century, Halle Berry is now stating that she never received a bouquet of flowers allegedly sent by Charlize Theron.
(Theron's Oscar-magnet North Country (Warner Brothers, AOL Time Warner) is in theaters now. She stars in the film adaptation of the popular dystopian cartoon Aeon Flux (one of the flagships of MTV's short-lived Liquid Television franchise) due in December (Viacom by way of MTV films and Paramount Pictures). But that's neither here nor there).
It's been reported that Theron stated she sent the flowers to Berry as an apology for a statement by a reporter claiming Theron stated words to the effect of "note to self: don't become Halle Berry." What might be meant by this is uncertain. One might speculate that Theron is reminding herself not to follow up her big Oscar power drives by starring in an adaptation of a comic/animation vehicle dominated by a hypersexualized heroine.
But that's neither here nor there either, because Theron denies ever saying it in the first place. She denies saying it, Berry denies reaction to the alleged statement, Theron has neither confirmed nor denied reported statements that she sent Berry flowers, but regardless Berry denies receiving them.
There is a theme here, you may have noticed, of the subtle interplay of cause and effect between things that may or may not have happened.
What does this mean? It means my job just got a lot easier. The deluxe heart-shaped box of chocolate truffles never, in fact, showed up at the O'Reilly Factors studios: in light of this what are we to make of Tom Cruise's failure to state that he ever sent them? In fact Cruise offered no apology for statements on Oprah that O'Reilly was leaving harassing messages on his answering inviting a threesome: Cruise has never confirmed making any such statements. O'Reilly himself has made no comment at all... but then, after his last telephone harassment debacle he did firmly state that he would "never speak of this again." One reporter dares to ask: how far does this conspiracy of silence go?
Ashlee Simpson is not "picking up options" on Nick Lachey's union contract with an eye towards a "sister-pick-up rebound relationship, skanky/doomed summer affair reality series." Snape does not say "bollocks" in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Robert Bork never sent Harriet Miers an e-card featuring an adorable kitten and a note pleading "please forgive me for the terrible things I said. I knew that we could never be together unless we could meet on the same level: that of failed Supreme Court appointees."
Reporting things that never happened, in a world that never was, as if they were of great importance. Even though even if they ever had they wouldn't be.
That's genius.
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