Tuesday, September 13, 2005

iPod femto unveiled, lost

Apple CEO Steve Jobs today unveiled the iPod femto, latest edition to the popular portable music player line, and then promptly lost the 1 by 1 by 5 millimeter device.

Jobs began the unveiling with typical aplomb, pomp, and hyperbole, announcing that he would presently "blow all y'all's minds straight out the back of this auditorium" and render "all earthly creations obsolete, including the Bible." He then passed into a somewhat rambling and philosophical discussion of Apple's corporate philosophy.

"It took me twenty five years, but I finally got everybody by the balls. Apple's strategy is perfect now. Everything is just going to get smaller and smaller and cooler and cooler and more expensive. So much more expensive. You can't even imagine what you're going to pay. But you have to. You have to have it all. To be cool. You have to be cool. And myself? I just need more millions of dollars. You see how everybody wins. That's Apple."

With that, Jobs rummaged around in his beard and held out what appeared to be a tiny white sliver.

"Behold," he intoned, "the iPod femto. Not just the smallest music player but the smallest piece of electronics of any kind... Damnit!" Jobs then dropped to his knees and began searching the floor around his podium.

Jobs called for more lights on stage: at this point, through an unfortunate technical error his presentation crew dropped seventy pounds of multicolored confetti instead.

"Steve started swearing like a truck driver on angel dust then, man," an unnamed AV team member reported. "That's when we had to cut his mic."

"Screw this," said Jobs in a later interview, when queried about certain fundamental flaws in the design of the femto. "External electronics are so early twenty-first century. The iPod zepto? You go down to Claire's Botique, they're just gonna punch it straight into your skull."

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