Reporters knew they weren't in for an ordinary press conference when NOAA Administrator, retired Navy Vice Admiral Conrad C. Lautenbacher, announced without further preamble that he had "called you all out to just, you know, shoot the... uh, stuff. You know, shoot the bull."
Administrator Lautenbacher invited no questions, launching immediately into a rambling series of reminiscences about his experiences with weather, particularly weather at sea. After several minutes he seemed to note that many of the puzzled reporters, who had been called to NOAA's Washington, DC headquarters on a few hours notice for the special press conference, were not taking notes and were in fact whispering to one another behind notepads. At this point Administrator Lautenbacher's statement took a sharper tone.
"So I suppose you are all wondering why I've asked you here today. Hell, I guess I thought maybe you might want to meet old Conrad C. Lautenbacher. You google old Conrad C., check the news, you know what you get? Fourteen stories. Just for perspective, FEMA Michael Brown will get you about five hundred. Conrad? Good old Harvard Ph.D. Conrad? Rates the big fourteen. Mostly lazy reporters quoting the news wire quoting NOAA press releases, that only mention my name because I put it there. Conrad C. Lautenbacher: who's that? Oh, he's the Administrator at NOAA. Administrator: now, there's a dynamic title, huh? And what does he administrate again? Oh, that's the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. Administrator for the Administration, get it? And what does that Administration administrate? Oh, hey, you know, the oceans, you may have heard of them, they cover 70 percent of the earth's surface? Oh and there was one other little thing, what was that? Oh yes, that's right. The freaking atmosphere. That's the sky to you non-scientists. Troposphere, Stratosphere, Mesosphere, Thermosphere? The wind, the clouds, the air? Oh, that old thing? Surely Conrad C. Lautenbacher doesn't rate much of a mention for being in charge of that. Just the ocean," here Administrator Lautenbacher ripped a large NOAA symbol from the wall behind him. The insignia was mounted on a piece of foam core and featured the agency's motif in characteristic blue, darker blue, and grey. Administrator Lautenbacher thumped his podium with the insignia, which split in two. "The ocean, and the atmosphere. What could Conrad C. Lautenbacher possibly have to say about anything?" Administrator Lautenbacher threw the pieces of the insignia aside.
"So, well, what do you have to say about... things?" a Times reporter asked timidly.
"This most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire why, it appeareth no other thing to me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours," Administrator Lautenbacher responded, and then left the podium.
"No further questions," NOAA Chief Administrative Officer William F. Broglie announced cheerfully. Reporters noted that CAO Broglie's black patent leather loafers shone uncommonly bright.
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