Insiders whisper there is a brewing scandal within the Christian Broadcasting Network Inc. An aide within the organization has stated that it is an "open secret" among increasingly alarmed CBN executives that founder and chairman Marion Gordon "Pat" Robertson has become "completely obsessed" with Harry Potter trading cards.
"It started out he put in a requisition for a couple of starter packs, for research purposes," stated the aide, who wishes to remain anonymous out of fear of repercussions from the powerful media ministry. "This is nothing unusual, Pat has us purchase a lot of weird stuff for his so-called research. But week after week he just kept ordering more booster packs, and pretty soon a number of people had caught him surfing trading sites on the internet. He kept saying he needed more research, he was convinced this was serious threat to our children by fifth-columnist secular humanist witches and warlocks. Everyone one was like, 'Pat, we know everything about Harry Potter condones witchcraft and is therefore condemned by the Lord. What else is there to research?' "
Robertson's obsession soon became too acute to conceal, at least from those within the organization. "On the 700 Club he's still keeping it together, calling for the assassination of foreign leaders, explaining the connections between catastrophic events in society and the gays, and which fictional television characters are gay, and so on," stated the aide. "But off camera all he talks about is foil premium and holo-portrait cards he's still missing. He doesn't even pretend that it's for research anymore. He has his collection in a limited edition leatherette binder right on his desk."
According to the aide, key board members and network executives recently attempted an intervention with Robertson. When confronted with evidence of his habit and strong scriptural injunctions against the glorification of black magic, Robertson reportedly shouted "Obliviate! Obliviate!" and then ran from the room.
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