On the heels of announcements that the popular WinMX file sharing network had shut down under threat of litigation, and the announcement by Sam Yagen, President of eDonkey (another P2P player) before a congressional judiciary committee hearing that his company would be unable to continue operations due to the prohibitive legal costs of defending the company's business against copyright infringement lawsuits, the RIAA is flush with a new confidence.
Chairman and CEO Mitch Bainwol demonstrated this new spirit by providing an enthusiastic demonstration of the widely reviled recording industry trade group's strategy for eradicating copyright infringement via P2P networks.
"We do not have a single tool for wiping out this scourge of thievery," Bainwol declared, hoisting a large red metal toolbox onto the table before him. "We have a comprehensive toolbox. File sharing is a many-headed hydra, and for every dirty job there is the right tool." Bainwol upended the toolbox, dumping some dozen widely varying hammers onto the table.
He then dumped a five gallon tub of lime Jello onto the table and had at it. Bainwol demonstrated "major legislative lobbying efforts," an eight-pound sledgehammer with which he sundered the shivering mass into a shapeless splat that spattered those in the first two rows on impact and dripped from the table after; "litigation of P2P service providers," a well-worn carpenter's hammer Bainwol wielded with furious speed against the larger lumps left by his primary assault, and several other tools, including "direct prosecution of individuals," a tiny jeweler's hammer. Bainwol applied the latter for fully five minutes, attacking tiny chunks scattered across the table and at times the floor (where he pursued them on hands and knees) with ferocious intensity.
Breathless and sweating freely, Bainwol recovered himself after pursuing a particularly errant gobbet halfway across the stage, and returned to the podium.
"But the RIAA isn't about keeping people from music, unless they're dirty, dirty thieves and pirates. It's about connecting people to music. That's why we're leading the way in promoting the safe, honest, and moral transaction of music over the internet. The internet provides many different avenues to openly, legally, and above all profitably deliver music. And for each of these there is the correct tool for the consumer." With this Bainwol turned another toolbox over above the table and dumped out an assortment of screwdrivers.
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Friday, September 30, 2005
Thursday, September 29, 2005
NOAA Administrator Briefly Loses It
Reporters knew they weren't in for an ordinary press conference when NOAA Administrator, retired Navy Vice Admiral Conrad C. Lautenbacher, announced without further preamble that he had "called you all out to just, you know, shoot the... uh, stuff. You know, shoot the bull."
Administrator Lautenbacher invited no questions, launching immediately into a rambling series of reminiscences about his experiences with weather, particularly weather at sea. After several minutes he seemed to note that many of the puzzled reporters, who had been called to NOAA's Washington, DC headquarters on a few hours notice for the special press conference, were not taking notes and were in fact whispering to one another behind notepads. At this point Administrator Lautenbacher's statement took a sharper tone.
"So I suppose you are all wondering why I've asked you here today. Hell, I guess I thought maybe you might want to meet old Conrad C. Lautenbacher. You google old Conrad C., check the news, you know what you get? Fourteen stories. Just for perspective, FEMA Michael Brown will get you about five hundred. Conrad? Good old Harvard Ph.D. Conrad? Rates the big fourteen. Mostly lazy reporters quoting the news wire quoting NOAA press releases, that only mention my name because I put it there. Conrad C. Lautenbacher: who's that? Oh, he's the Administrator at NOAA. Administrator: now, there's a dynamic title, huh? And what does he administrate again? Oh, that's the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. Administrator for the Administration, get it? And what does that Administration administrate? Oh, hey, you know, the oceans, you may have heard of them, they cover 70 percent of the earth's surface? Oh and there was one other little thing, what was that? Oh yes, that's right. The freaking atmosphere. That's the sky to you non-scientists. Troposphere, Stratosphere, Mesosphere, Thermosphere? The wind, the clouds, the air? Oh, that old thing? Surely Conrad C. Lautenbacher doesn't rate much of a mention for being in charge of that. Just the ocean," here Administrator Lautenbacher ripped a large NOAA symbol from the wall behind him. The insignia was mounted on a piece of foam core and featured the agency's motif in characteristic blue, darker blue, and grey. Administrator Lautenbacher thumped his podium with the insignia, which split in two. "The ocean, and the atmosphere. What could Conrad C. Lautenbacher possibly have to say about anything?" Administrator Lautenbacher threw the pieces of the insignia aside.
"So, well, what do you have to say about... things?" a Times reporter asked timidly.
"This most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire why, it appeareth no other thing to me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours," Administrator Lautenbacher responded, and then left the podium.
"No further questions," NOAA Chief Administrative Officer William F. Broglie announced cheerfully. Reporters noted that CAO Broglie's black patent leather loafers shone uncommonly bright.
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Administrator Lautenbacher invited no questions, launching immediately into a rambling series of reminiscences about his experiences with weather, particularly weather at sea. After several minutes he seemed to note that many of the puzzled reporters, who had been called to NOAA's Washington, DC headquarters on a few hours notice for the special press conference, were not taking notes and were in fact whispering to one another behind notepads. At this point Administrator Lautenbacher's statement took a sharper tone.
"So I suppose you are all wondering why I've asked you here today. Hell, I guess I thought maybe you might want to meet old Conrad C. Lautenbacher. You google old Conrad C., check the news, you know what you get? Fourteen stories. Just for perspective, FEMA Michael Brown will get you about five hundred. Conrad? Good old Harvard Ph.D. Conrad? Rates the big fourteen. Mostly lazy reporters quoting the news wire quoting NOAA press releases, that only mention my name because I put it there. Conrad C. Lautenbacher: who's that? Oh, he's the Administrator at NOAA. Administrator: now, there's a dynamic title, huh? And what does he administrate again? Oh, that's the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. Administrator for the Administration, get it? And what does that Administration administrate? Oh, hey, you know, the oceans, you may have heard of them, they cover 70 percent of the earth's surface? Oh and there was one other little thing, what was that? Oh yes, that's right. The freaking atmosphere. That's the sky to you non-scientists. Troposphere, Stratosphere, Mesosphere, Thermosphere? The wind, the clouds, the air? Oh, that old thing? Surely Conrad C. Lautenbacher doesn't rate much of a mention for being in charge of that. Just the ocean," here Administrator Lautenbacher ripped a large NOAA symbol from the wall behind him. The insignia was mounted on a piece of foam core and featured the agency's motif in characteristic blue, darker blue, and grey. Administrator Lautenbacher thumped his podium with the insignia, which split in two. "The ocean, and the atmosphere. What could Conrad C. Lautenbacher possibly have to say about anything?" Administrator Lautenbacher threw the pieces of the insignia aside.
"So, well, what do you have to say about... things?" a Times reporter asked timidly.
"This most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire why, it appeareth no other thing to me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours," Administrator Lautenbacher responded, and then left the podium.
"No further questions," NOAA Chief Administrative Officer William F. Broglie announced cheerfully. Reporters noted that CAO Broglie's black patent leather loafers shone uncommonly bright.
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Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Another Blessed Event: Britney Spears' Baby Inks Major Deal
Speculation around the career plans of the infant son of Britney Federline née Spears and Kevin Federline ended as the tiny tot signed a major recording, television, movie and videogame deal with the Sony Corporation and Sony BMG Music Entertainment (Sony BMG controls labels within the Zomba Label Group including Jive Records, home to the Britney Spears recording collection). Insiders suggest that the deal was ready to be signed sooner, but prior to Sunday the child lacked a legal name to make this possible.
No further obstacles appear to impede the launch of the Sean Preston Federline franchise. Sean is currently reviewing post-production of his first album (under stage name Li'l S.P. Feddy), Baby Time: One More!. Agents say that Sean is waiting for the right movie project before committing himself to the often gruelling motion picture shooting schedule, but has already ironed out contractual issues for his appearance as himself in the reality television series Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. Insiders say the deal for series appearences is "not quite as good as Britney's" but "significantly better than Kevin's."
Candid and consequently anonymous sources speculate, however, on whether Sean's career will be overshadowed by the genuinely "chaotic" realities of his pop idol mother's media career and personal life. Noted one source, "at two weeks it's still too soon to tell what direction Sean Preston will go. It really is too bad he wound up with his father's name (you know Madonna told Little Miss Thing 'sister, you don't have to marry the back-up dancer just because you're having his baby') - but we're all keeping our fingers crossed that he got his mother's genes."
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No further obstacles appear to impede the launch of the Sean Preston Federline franchise. Sean is currently reviewing post-production of his first album (under stage name Li'l S.P. Feddy), Baby Time: One More!. Agents say that Sean is waiting for the right movie project before committing himself to the often gruelling motion picture shooting schedule, but has already ironed out contractual issues for his appearance as himself in the reality television series Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. Insiders say the deal for series appearences is "not quite as good as Britney's" but "significantly better than Kevin's."
Candid and consequently anonymous sources speculate, however, on whether Sean's career will be overshadowed by the genuinely "chaotic" realities of his pop idol mother's media career and personal life. Noted one source, "at two weeks it's still too soon to tell what direction Sean Preston will go. It really is too bad he wound up with his father's name (you know Madonna told Little Miss Thing 'sister, you don't have to marry the back-up dancer just because you're having his baby') - but we're all keeping our fingers crossed that he got his mother's genes."
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Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Nintendo "Revolution" Console to Incite Revolution?
Videogaming insiders are discussing the implications of rumors that Nintendo's soon to be released next generation gaming console, which the venerable Japanese corporation has code-named "Revolution," is actually designed to incite political and social evolution by leading children through a series of games infused with subtly disguised proletariat doctrine.
The Revolution will reportedly ship with the title Polybius: 21st Century, where the player guides the titular ancient Greek Historian through the "fall of New Rome."
While Nintendo disavows any underlying political subtext in the game's story, they have remained silent on the release of an alleged internal memo giving details on several planned titles, including Mario and Luigi Sieze the Means of Production, The Legend of Zelda: Link and the Capitalist Enterprise of Dehumanization, and Pokemon: Socialist Revolution.
Revolution: in politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. - Ambrose Bierce
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The Revolution will reportedly ship with the title Polybius: 21st Century, where the player guides the titular ancient Greek Historian through the "fall of New Rome."
While Nintendo disavows any underlying political subtext in the game's story, they have remained silent on the release of an alleged internal memo giving details on several planned titles, including Mario and Luigi Sieze the Means of Production, The Legend of Zelda: Link and the Capitalist Enterprise of Dehumanization, and Pokemon: Socialist Revolution.
Revolution: in politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. - Ambrose Bierce
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Monday, September 26, 2005
Zelwegger on Chesney Marriage "Fraud": a Philosophical Difference?
Oscar-awarded actress Renée Zelwegger broke her silence on her star-cross'd, four month marriage with Country-Western music star Kenny Chesney in a statement released through press agents.
"The press has unfortunately fixated on the term "fraud" being cited as the reason for my filing for annulment with Kenneth. Rumors about money issues or sexual incompatibility are simply untrue. And might I note aside how convenient it is for the so-called Society journalists to dwell on the presence of these rumors, with all the attendant public interest these sorts of prurient intrigues attract, while fatuously holding that they are not themselves the perpetrators of such slanderous speculations because they merely 'report' what others are saying.
"In truth, Kenneth told me that he preferred that issues of our personal beliefs not be aired in public, a wish I hoped to honor. Unfortunately, with negative public speculation beginning to turn to me, this is no longer possible.
"I dissolved my marriage with Kenneth Chesney based on philosophical differences. I must stand by my citation of fraud, however. It pains me to say that Kenneth misrepresented himself to me about what he believed. It is certainly no secret to the press that I am a long-time and dedicated Trope Nominalist. I never represented my views any other way to Kenneth. He knew that I saw a world intrinsically devoid of universals, essences or essentials. All interpretation is abstraction generated by metaphysics which are purely a product of the mind and language. During our courtship Kenneth never spoke out against my views and while he didn't actually embraced them, I certainly was given the impression that his beliefs were at least parallel to mine. Kenneth said that he didn't classify his system according a specific philosophical school, but I read him as at worst a sort of pseudo-Realist, functional Resemblance Nominalist, maybe veering into Social Constructivism at times.
"When we got married and started talking about building our life together, it became clear very quickly that Kenneth was really a very radical, cold-blooded Essentialist. He saw everything as a idealistic vessels to be filled with their little grocery list of essential characteristics and be defined by their fundamental natures, and so in turn serve as intrinsic components of greater entities, all converging gloriously together to build Kenny Chesney's Great and Magnificent "Real World." His refusal to this day to own up to the defining label of Essentialism is just an ironic footnote to the fundamental absurdity of his outmoded belief set. Far beyond concealing his fundamental antagonism towards my beliefs, Kenneth is guilty of the worst kind of fraud: intellectual fraud. I feel for Kenneth's fans. They have no idea that he regards them as mere consumers of a Social Fact that he has generated out of his whole cloth of universals."
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"The press has unfortunately fixated on the term "fraud" being cited as the reason for my filing for annulment with Kenneth. Rumors about money issues or sexual incompatibility are simply untrue. And might I note aside how convenient it is for the so-called Society journalists to dwell on the presence of these rumors, with all the attendant public interest these sorts of prurient intrigues attract, while fatuously holding that they are not themselves the perpetrators of such slanderous speculations because they merely 'report' what others are saying.
"In truth, Kenneth told me that he preferred that issues of our personal beliefs not be aired in public, a wish I hoped to honor. Unfortunately, with negative public speculation beginning to turn to me, this is no longer possible.
"I dissolved my marriage with Kenneth Chesney based on philosophical differences. I must stand by my citation of fraud, however. It pains me to say that Kenneth misrepresented himself to me about what he believed. It is certainly no secret to the press that I am a long-time and dedicated Trope Nominalist. I never represented my views any other way to Kenneth. He knew that I saw a world intrinsically devoid of universals, essences or essentials. All interpretation is abstraction generated by metaphysics which are purely a product of the mind and language. During our courtship Kenneth never spoke out against my views and while he didn't actually embraced them, I certainly was given the impression that his beliefs were at least parallel to mine. Kenneth said that he didn't classify his system according a specific philosophical school, but I read him as at worst a sort of pseudo-Realist, functional Resemblance Nominalist, maybe veering into Social Constructivism at times.
"When we got married and started talking about building our life together, it became clear very quickly that Kenneth was really a very radical, cold-blooded Essentialist. He saw everything as a idealistic vessels to be filled with their little grocery list of essential characteristics and be defined by their fundamental natures, and so in turn serve as intrinsic components of greater entities, all converging gloriously together to build Kenny Chesney's Great and Magnificent "Real World." His refusal to this day to own up to the defining label of Essentialism is just an ironic footnote to the fundamental absurdity of his outmoded belief set. Far beyond concealing his fundamental antagonism towards my beliefs, Kenneth is guilty of the worst kind of fraud: intellectual fraud. I feel for Kenneth's fans. They have no idea that he regards them as mere consumers of a Social Fact that he has generated out of his whole cloth of universals."
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Friday, September 23, 2005
A Nation Reels as It's Rome, Baby! Updates Delayed by Power Failure
How much more can America take? In another blow delivered via nature by an apparently vengeful God, storm related power loss delayed the release of updates by the seething-edge sociopolicomedramadidactic weblog It's Rome, Baby!. The latest in a series of American weather-related disasters snuck in between the ravages of Tropical Storms Arlene and Cindy, category four Hurricane Dennis, and category five Hurricane Katrina, and on the cusp of feared destruction by category four Hurricane Rita, currently bearing down on Texas.
Acting Under Secretary of Emergency Preparedness and Response and Acting Director of the Federal Emergency Management Agency R. David Paulison stated "It's Rome, Baby! author Scrivener's characterization, in the preceding paragraph, of this event as a weather-related disaster is, under the circumstances, in extraordinarily poor taste."
Determined as usual to make electric kool-aid from the electric kool-lemons handed to him by la belle dame sans merci, Fate, Scrivener is taking advantage of the opportunity to engage in a brief experiment in increasingly recursive self-reference and to launch a practically invisible site redesign. He advises worthy readers to check back Monday for reestablished regular updates.
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Acting Under Secretary of Emergency Preparedness and Response and Acting Director of the Federal Emergency Management Agency R. David Paulison stated "It's Rome, Baby! author Scrivener's characterization, in the preceding paragraph, of this event as a weather-related disaster is, under the circumstances, in extraordinarily poor taste."
Determined as usual to make electric kool-aid from the electric kool-lemons handed to him by la belle dame sans merci, Fate, Scrivener is taking advantage of the opportunity to engage in a brief experiment in increasingly recursive self-reference and to launch a practically invisible site redesign. He advises worthy readers to check back Monday for reestablished regular updates.
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Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Kate Moss Comes Clean
In a press conference called in the aftermath of her dismissal from the advertising campaign of fashion retail giant H & M following the publication of photographs and allegations of drug use in The Daily Mirror, Kate Moss declared it was time to "come clean, tell the whole story, and let the chips fall where they may." With this Moss proceeded to reveal one of the Fashion Universe's most obvious secrets: "like many top models, I am in fact a superintelligent, genetically modified stick-insectoid produced in the alien hybrid laboratories beneath the ice fields of Europa."
"Europa Park, theme attraction in Southern Germany?" called an Us reporter.
"Sixth and fourth largest of Jupiter's known satellites. Hell, who's supposed to be the bloody insect?" Moss responded heatedly before regaining her composure.
Her insectoid body, Moss explained, served as an armature for the desirable features that had launched her to the dizzy heights of sartorial demonstration. "The lank, processed hair, the prominent cheekbones, the adolescent bosom, the knobby knees, they're all a waxy exudate produced by a gland at the base of my spine. Actually the knobs are mostly my true exoskeleton." She asserted that while allegations of cocaine use were true "as far as they went," they were not really indicators of a dissipated, addictive lifestyle but simple necessities born of the fact that "cocaine and Cristal" are the only Earth-produced foodstuffs her alien physiology can metabolize.
"I'm tired of being dragged in the mud for just being myself. I'm going against every recommendation of my agencies (IMG of New York, Marylin of Paris, and Storm of London declined comment) because I believe that the people of Earth are ready to love me for what I am."
A Vanity Fair reporter questioned Moss' revelations about her dietary restrictions, citing earlier claims that she was a vegan.
"My parents were Vegan, I was decanted and engineered in this Solar System," Moss responded.
A representative of The Sun asked whether Champagne was strictly necessary, or if méthode Champenoise would do. Nictitating membranes snapped across Moss' eyes: she reared up over the reporter and plunged her ovipositor deeply into his abdomen.
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"Europa Park, theme attraction in Southern Germany?" called an Us reporter.
"Sixth and fourth largest of Jupiter's known satellites. Hell, who's supposed to be the bloody insect?" Moss responded heatedly before regaining her composure.
Her insectoid body, Moss explained, served as an armature for the desirable features that had launched her to the dizzy heights of sartorial demonstration. "The lank, processed hair, the prominent cheekbones, the adolescent bosom, the knobby knees, they're all a waxy exudate produced by a gland at the base of my spine. Actually the knobs are mostly my true exoskeleton." She asserted that while allegations of cocaine use were true "as far as they went," they were not really indicators of a dissipated, addictive lifestyle but simple necessities born of the fact that "cocaine and Cristal" are the only Earth-produced foodstuffs her alien physiology can metabolize.
"I'm tired of being dragged in the mud for just being myself. I'm going against every recommendation of my agencies (IMG of New York, Marylin of Paris, and Storm of London declined comment) because I believe that the people of Earth are ready to love me for what I am."
A Vanity Fair reporter questioned Moss' revelations about her dietary restrictions, citing earlier claims that she was a vegan.
"My parents were Vegan, I was decanted and engineered in this Solar System," Moss responded.
A representative of The Sun asked whether Champagne was strictly necessary, or if méthode Champenoise would do. Nictitating membranes snapped across Moss' eyes: she reared up over the reporter and plunged her ovipositor deeply into his abdomen.
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Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Everybody's Got One: It's the It's Rome, Baby! Opinion Section! Emily Rose
While researching the "true story" (as in "based on a...") behind runaway horror blockbuster The Exorcism of Emily Rose (Sony Pictures Entertainment, Sony Corporation of America), I reviewed the sad history of Anneliese Michel of Bavaria, 1952 - 1976. Here I learned that the unfortunate young woman in question attended the Pedagogic Academy in Wurzburg. And I just thought, "what the hell." Do these kinds of things really exist? More importantly: do they still exist?
The answer is no, at least not in Wurzburg. There is pedagogic academy in Athens. Bydgoszcz has one as well. Liepaja. The Ukrain.
Wurzburg, I learned, does have Fachschulen, Sprachenschulen, Bildungswerke, Fachakademien, Privatschulen, Volkshochschulen, Fachhochschulen, Fachschaften, Sonstige Hochschulen, Universität, Frühförderung, Förderschulen, Gymnasien, Musikschulen, Nichtstädtische Berufsschulen, Realschulen, and Städtische Berufsschulen - which facts led me to question the veracity of the whole "Emily Rose" backstory. It seemed like they were leaving a lot out. Still: you have to admit that it sounds like the kind of place where you'd go to school and wind up crazy.
This concludes our segment on research in online journalism.
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The answer is no, at least not in Wurzburg. There is pedagogic academy in Athens. Bydgoszcz has one as well. Liepaja. The Ukrain.
Wurzburg, I learned, does have Fachschulen, Sprachenschulen, Bildungswerke, Fachakademien, Privatschulen, Volkshochschulen, Fachhochschulen, Fachschaften, Sonstige Hochschulen, Universität, Frühförderung, Förderschulen, Gymnasien, Musikschulen, Nichtstädtische Berufsschulen, Realschulen, and Städtische Berufsschulen - which facts led me to question the veracity of the whole "Emily Rose" backstory. It seemed like they were leaving a lot out. Still: you have to admit that it sounds like the kind of place where you'd go to school and wind up crazy.
This concludes our segment on research in online journalism.
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Friday, September 16, 2005
North by Northwest Airlines Declares Bankruptcy
North by Northwest Airlines announced today that it had filed for Chapter 11, days after missing payment on several outstanding financial commitments. NbN also announced that it was closing its doors for extensive restructuring, and was consequently suspending all remaining routes for its assassination flyover service.
NbN flights generally involved mistaken identity, espionage, a beautiful but distant blonde and a lonely, dusty field somewhere far from any chance of help or even notice, and were plagued with scheduling delays.
In addition, a senior NbN engineer reported in a leaked internal memo, flyovers that did arrive on schedule had an extremely low rate of success in making a "terminal connection" with their target individual - "primarily," he writes, "because nearly any healthy person can escape pursuit by running into the corn."
In a recent statement North by Northwest indicated it was losing market share to budget carriers such as Value Whack.
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NbN flights generally involved mistaken identity, espionage, a beautiful but distant blonde and a lonely, dusty field somewhere far from any chance of help or even notice, and were plagued with scheduling delays.
In addition, a senior NbN engineer reported in a leaked internal memo, flyovers that did arrive on schedule had an extremely low rate of success in making a "terminal connection" with their target individual - "primarily," he writes, "because nearly any healthy person can escape pursuit by running into the corn."
In a recent statement North by Northwest indicated it was losing market share to budget carriers such as Value Whack.
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Thursday, September 15, 2005
Hey Paris, Watch Me Pull a Scandal Out of Your Phone! AGAIN?
Paris Hilton faces scandal once again as a Bluetooth hack yielded several videos from the heiress' T-Mobile Sidekick II personal communication device. The unknown hacker then used the wireless multimedia and internet connectivity functions of the Sidekick unit (which Ms. Hilton has meticulously decorated with Swarovski crystals) to hack into her T-Mobile "tmail" account, where they gained access to dozens more videos. So far her legal swat unit has headed off any broad release of the video. But the situation is hopeless, internet pundits avow: the videos are out there: they're real, and they are shocking.
Ms. Hilton is widely recognized and admired for her masterful management of the release of her "the things I'll do for love" sex videos, ultimately produced as the DVD 1 Night in Paris. It is acknowledged that perpetrators of the tape's release were personally bitch slapped by Ms. Hilton in the fullest and most satisfyingly legal sense of the word, and that Ms. Hilton proceeded to manipulate the media gestalt around the videos into an unusually strong launch for her reality television series, Hicks is Tricks. But industry insiders wonder if the fairy tale Snow Goddess, actress, heiress to the hospitality fortune of parents Rick and Kathy Hilton, great granddaughter of fortune founder Conrand Hilton (grandfather, Conrad ''Nicky'' Hilton, Jr., was notably first of Elizabeth Taylor's many ex-husbands), author, model, designer, club developer and owner, will weather the latest storm.
By various reports the 27 or 29 videos were taken by Hilton of herself. Those who have seen them describe them as alternately composed of "performance art, movement theater, and mime." According to an expert in the field, who claims he was emailed the videos by the hacker him- or herself, the videos are "artistic, very experimental, and spectacularly boring. From the perspective of the standards of performance and movement art this is saying a very great deal indeed."
In one video, Ms. Hilton silently wraps what appears to be a class ring in purple yarn, pausing periodically to apply clear nail polish to the wrapped yarn. By the end of the 27 minute video she is holding a ball of glistening yarn one foot in diameter. In another she meticulously applies Swarovski crystals to her T-Mobile Sidekick II personal communication device.
Others examples follow more closely in the tradition of performance art, and feature Ms. Hilton crouching and cowering, shrieking, among shards of broken glass, and slapping herself repeatedly on the head with a slab of raw meat.
There are also videos with dialog. In one Paris Hilton tells a short joke repeatedly.
"What did the doe say when she walked out of the forest?"
"I'll never do that for two bucks again."
Between each repetition Ms. Hilton sings "a deer, a female deer" in a surprisingly robust alto.
She repeats the joke 783 times.
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Ms. Hilton is widely recognized and admired for her masterful management of the release of her "the things I'll do for love" sex videos, ultimately produced as the DVD 1 Night in Paris. It is acknowledged that perpetrators of the tape's release were personally bitch slapped by Ms. Hilton in the fullest and most satisfyingly legal sense of the word, and that Ms. Hilton proceeded to manipulate the media gestalt around the videos into an unusually strong launch for her reality television series, Hicks is Tricks. But industry insiders wonder if the fairy tale Snow Goddess, actress, heiress to the hospitality fortune of parents Rick and Kathy Hilton, great granddaughter of fortune founder Conrand Hilton (grandfather, Conrad ''Nicky'' Hilton, Jr., was notably first of Elizabeth Taylor's many ex-husbands), author, model, designer, club developer and owner, will weather the latest storm.
By various reports the 27 or 29 videos were taken by Hilton of herself. Those who have seen them describe them as alternately composed of "performance art, movement theater, and mime." According to an expert in the field, who claims he was emailed the videos by the hacker him- or herself, the videos are "artistic, very experimental, and spectacularly boring. From the perspective of the standards of performance and movement art this is saying a very great deal indeed."
In one video, Ms. Hilton silently wraps what appears to be a class ring in purple yarn, pausing periodically to apply clear nail polish to the wrapped yarn. By the end of the 27 minute video she is holding a ball of glistening yarn one foot in diameter. In another she meticulously applies Swarovski crystals to her T-Mobile Sidekick II personal communication device.
Others examples follow more closely in the tradition of performance art, and feature Ms. Hilton crouching and cowering, shrieking, among shards of broken glass, and slapping herself repeatedly on the head with a slab of raw meat.
There are also videos with dialog. In one Paris Hilton tells a short joke repeatedly.
"What did the doe say when she walked out of the forest?"
"I'll never do that for two bucks again."
Between each repetition Ms. Hilton sings "a deer, a female deer" in a surprisingly robust alto.
She repeats the joke 783 times.
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Wednesday, September 14, 2005
The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis, the Secret Life of Bob Denver
Among the personal effects of recently deceased actor Bob "Gilligan" Denver was a fifty thousand page handwritten manuscript entitled The Myth of the Island: A Theory of Everything. Apparently written over the course of 30 years, and only finished a few months prior to Denver's death, the massive investigation of science and philosophy opens with R. Crumb's Mr. Natural's totemic proclamation "twas ever thus" and ends "tis well," the final words of George Washington.
Between these enigmatic bookends Denver explores ontology, epistemology, paleontology, astrobiology, exobiology, astrology, cosmology, graphology, cryptology, soteriology, teleology, eschatology, selenology, orology, mythology, synecology, topology, apiology, kymatology, phonology, phrenology, etymology, entomology, formicology, reflexology, campanology, axiology, enigmatology, archaeology, meteorology, speleology, helioseismology, chelonology, carpology, mythology, neurophysiology, sociology, thanatology, doxology, horology, morphology, dendrology, cryology, geochronology, gerontology, herbology, and zymology.
Friends expressed surprise at both the breadth of Denver's inquiries and the volume of his writing. Several noted that for many years he would take to his den for two or three hours most days, ostensibly to "watch television."
"Mostly," stated one friend who wished to remain unnamed, "we just thought he was smoking a little reefer."
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Between these enigmatic bookends Denver explores ontology, epistemology, paleontology, astrobiology, exobiology, astrology, cosmology, graphology, cryptology, soteriology, teleology, eschatology, selenology, orology, mythology, synecology, topology, apiology, kymatology, phonology, phrenology, etymology, entomology, formicology, reflexology, campanology, axiology, enigmatology, archaeology, meteorology, speleology, helioseismology, chelonology, carpology, mythology, neurophysiology, sociology, thanatology, doxology, horology, morphology, dendrology, cryology, geochronology, gerontology, herbology, and zymology.
Friends expressed surprise at both the breadth of Denver's inquiries and the volume of his writing. Several noted that for many years he would take to his den for two or three hours most days, ostensibly to "watch television."
"Mostly," stated one friend who wished to remain unnamed, "we just thought he was smoking a little reefer."
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Tuesday, September 13, 2005
iPod femto unveiled, lost
Apple CEO Steve Jobs today unveiled the iPod femto, latest edition to the popular portable music player line, and then promptly lost the 1 by 1 by 5 millimeter device.
Jobs began the unveiling with typical aplomb, pomp, and hyperbole, announcing that he would presently "blow all y'all's minds straight out the back of this auditorium" and render "all earthly creations obsolete, including the Bible." He then passed into a somewhat rambling and philosophical discussion of Apple's corporate philosophy.
"It took me twenty five years, but I finally got everybody by the balls. Apple's strategy is perfect now. Everything is just going to get smaller and smaller and cooler and cooler and more expensive. So much more expensive. You can't even imagine what you're going to pay. But you have to. You have to have it all. To be cool. You have to be cool. And myself? I just need more millions of dollars. You see how everybody wins. That's Apple."
With that, Jobs rummaged around in his beard and held out what appeared to be a tiny white sliver.
"Behold," he intoned, "the iPod femto. Not just the smallest music player but the smallest piece of electronics of any kind... Damnit!" Jobs then dropped to his knees and began searching the floor around his podium.
Jobs called for more lights on stage: at this point, through an unfortunate technical error his presentation crew dropped seventy pounds of multicolored confetti instead.
"Steve started swearing like a truck driver on angel dust then, man," an unnamed AV team member reported. "That's when we had to cut his mic."
"Screw this," said Jobs in a later interview, when queried about certain fundamental flaws in the design of the femto. "External electronics are so early twenty-first century. The iPod zepto? You go down to Claire's Botique, they're just gonna punch it straight into your skull."
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Jobs began the unveiling with typical aplomb, pomp, and hyperbole, announcing that he would presently "blow all y'all's minds straight out the back of this auditorium" and render "all earthly creations obsolete, including the Bible." He then passed into a somewhat rambling and philosophical discussion of Apple's corporate philosophy.
"It took me twenty five years, but I finally got everybody by the balls. Apple's strategy is perfect now. Everything is just going to get smaller and smaller and cooler and cooler and more expensive. So much more expensive. You can't even imagine what you're going to pay. But you have to. You have to have it all. To be cool. You have to be cool. And myself? I just need more millions of dollars. You see how everybody wins. That's Apple."
With that, Jobs rummaged around in his beard and held out what appeared to be a tiny white sliver.
"Behold," he intoned, "the iPod femto. Not just the smallest music player but the smallest piece of electronics of any kind... Damnit!" Jobs then dropped to his knees and began searching the floor around his podium.
Jobs called for more lights on stage: at this point, through an unfortunate technical error his presentation crew dropped seventy pounds of multicolored confetti instead.
"Steve started swearing like a truck driver on angel dust then, man," an unnamed AV team member reported. "That's when we had to cut his mic."
"Screw this," said Jobs in a later interview, when queried about certain fundamental flaws in the design of the femto. "External electronics are so early twenty-first century. The iPod zepto? You go down to Claire's Botique, they're just gonna punch it straight into your skull."
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Monday, September 12, 2005
Jolie-Pitt Split?
Hot on the heels of marriage rumors, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are rumored to be headed towards splitsville in the wake of Pitt's discovery of a hidden shrine in the actress' home dedicated to Elizabeth Taylor. Sources close to Pitt indicate that the shrine contained hundreds of photographs and news clippings featuring the septuagenarian screen icon. Taylor is considered by many to be the last great star to arise from the old Hollywood regime of the post WWII era.
"Of course, finding evidence of another of Angelina's strange obsessions alone would not have been enough to put Brad off," said the source. "It was the gallery of husbands that he couldn't get past."
Taylor has notoriously been married eight times, twice to Richard Burton. Jolie's Taylor shrine reportedly featured a row of portraits of Taylor's past husbands. Portraits of Jolie's first two husbands, Jonny Lee and Billy Bob Thorton were hung beneath these, placed in correspondence to Taylor's first two husbands (Lee beneath hotel magnate Nicky Hilton, Thorton beneath actor Michael Wilding).
A portrait of Pitt had not yet been hung beneath Taylor's third husband, producer Michael Todd, the source related.
"But she had already installed a hook on the wall where one would go. It seemed clear that she was getting ready to add her latest conquest to the gallery."
Pitt is devastated by the discovery, the source continued. "He feels like he's been collected. Angelina clearly has some sort of deep obsession with Elizabeth Taylor, and Brad feels like he was recruited simply to meet some sort of marriage quota."
The position of correspondence to Todd is not an enviable one: Todd died in a plane crash in 1958, just over a year after being married to Taylor, making the match a rarity for Taylor in that it did not end in divorce. The source close to Pitt would not speculate as to whether Pitt had fears as to how far Jolie would go to complete the correspondence between her life and Taylor's.
"Brad hasn't spoken about that aspect of it. To suggest that Angelina had designs on Pitt's death as well as his life would probably be stretching the point. Although nobody is disputing that Angelina is crazy as a box of crooked sticks."
"Of course, finding evidence of another of Angelina's strange obsessions alone would not have been enough to put Brad off," said the source. "It was the gallery of husbands that he couldn't get past."
Taylor has notoriously been married eight times, twice to Richard Burton. Jolie's Taylor shrine reportedly featured a row of portraits of Taylor's past husbands. Portraits of Jolie's first two husbands, Jonny Lee and Billy Bob Thorton were hung beneath these, placed in correspondence to Taylor's first two husbands (Lee beneath hotel magnate Nicky Hilton, Thorton beneath actor Michael Wilding).
A portrait of Pitt had not yet been hung beneath Taylor's third husband, producer Michael Todd, the source related.
"But she had already installed a hook on the wall where one would go. It seemed clear that she was getting ready to add her latest conquest to the gallery."
Pitt is devastated by the discovery, the source continued. "He feels like he's been collected. Angelina clearly has some sort of deep obsession with Elizabeth Taylor, and Brad feels like he was recruited simply to meet some sort of marriage quota."
The position of correspondence to Todd is not an enviable one: Todd died in a plane crash in 1958, just over a year after being married to Taylor, making the match a rarity for Taylor in that it did not end in divorce. The source close to Pitt would not speculate as to whether Pitt had fears as to how far Jolie would go to complete the correspondence between her life and Taylor's.
"Brad hasn't spoken about that aspect of it. To suggest that Angelina had designs on Pitt's death as well as his life would probably be stretching the point. Although nobody is disputing that Angelina is crazy as a box of crooked sticks."
Friday, September 09, 2005
Kanye Westbot Returns to Planet Zarg with 1.8 Million Earth Dollars
Supreme Commander Garlax praised the synthoid automoton for distinguished service. "Westbot has siezed significant assets from the filthy human scum, encouraged hide-tone and dominion tribe bond-based dissent at a time of great crisis, and fomented controversy around human icon Fifty Cent, who as you know Zarg prophecy names as a possible destined savior of earth-kind. He also impregnated one hundred and six earth women with hybrid Zarg DNA."
Roc-A-Fella records will be renting a remote control replacebot from parent company Island Def Jam Music Group, which will rent it from parent company Universal Music Group, which will rent it from parent company Vivendi Universal, which will rent it from the only current Earth-based provider of synthetic humans, News Corp. The synthoid will be operated by an MTV Network (parent company Viacom) crash team and will fulfill Westbot's contractual obligations until it ceases to be relevant.
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Roc-A-Fella records will be renting a remote control replacebot from parent company Island Def Jam Music Group, which will rent it from parent company Universal Music Group, which will rent it from parent company Vivendi Universal, which will rent it from the only current Earth-based provider of synthetic humans, News Corp. The synthoid will be operated by an MTV Network (parent company Viacom) crash team and will fulfill Westbot's contractual obligations until it ceases to be relevant.
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Thursday, September 08, 2005
The Fats Domino-New Orleans Alliance
The 77 year-old R&B idol, who had earlier lamented that he and his family had lost everything, appeared with new resolve to announce that he would single-handedly lead the reconstruction of Hurricane Katrina-devastated New Orleans.
"What can you do? How long can a man watch something he loves being pawed and insulted by the lowest kind of soulless jackals? I've been working in the recording industry for fifty six years, I've never seen such a bunch of fools, and dear Lord that's saying something. I'm an old man, I don't want this. I said twenty years ago I wouldn't leave New Orleans again. I'm going to make sure it's true next time I go back."
Domino's discussion on his vision for his home town carried the first startling revelations that the Bobkat Music Trust, founded by manager Robert G. Vernon partnered in 1995, has been quietly but deeply investing in core nanotechnology start-ups and basic patents for nearly a decade. Domino declined to speculate about manager Vernon's decisions to attach assets derived from thousands of songs and video productions controlled by the trust to a largely speculative and untested nascent technology of the transformation of matter at the molecular scale.
"I've been with Bob ever since I thought I'd settled back down in New Orleans for good. He always treated me right. I trust him. He's got all kinds of things going on. He wrote a screenplay about the secret government conspiracy. It's pretty good."
New New Orleans, which will be rebuilt from the remnants of the old on the molecular level, is planned to be entirely flotational and covered by a network of retractable geodesic domes.
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"What can you do? How long can a man watch something he loves being pawed and insulted by the lowest kind of soulless jackals? I've been working in the recording industry for fifty six years, I've never seen such a bunch of fools, and dear Lord that's saying something. I'm an old man, I don't want this. I said twenty years ago I wouldn't leave New Orleans again. I'm going to make sure it's true next time I go back."
Domino's discussion on his vision for his home town carried the first startling revelations that the Bobkat Music Trust, founded by manager Robert G. Vernon partnered in 1995, has been quietly but deeply investing in core nanotechnology start-ups and basic patents for nearly a decade. Domino declined to speculate about manager Vernon's decisions to attach assets derived from thousands of songs and video productions controlled by the trust to a largely speculative and untested nascent technology of the transformation of matter at the molecular scale.
"I've been with Bob ever since I thought I'd settled back down in New Orleans for good. He always treated me right. I trust him. He's got all kinds of things going on. He wrote a screenplay about the secret government conspiracy. It's pretty good."
New New Orleans, which will be rebuilt from the remnants of the old on the molecular level, is planned to be entirely flotational and covered by a network of retractable geodesic domes.
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Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Mel Gibson: Not a Real Gas Shortage
The controversial Australian actor, director, writer and producer broadcast a short statement from an undisclosed location deep underground, where he now spends any time he is not working on films. "When you have to run a decoy tanker through a petrol bandit gauntlet while your fellow refinery villagers smuggle the precious, precious fuel out of the compound in hundreds of small containers, that's a shortage, mate. This nonsense here now it's just another political plot. You know who I'm talking about. I have several distribution contract riders that dictate that I can't say who. But you know. Anyway. You'll know when there's a shortage. Look at yourself in the mirror. Are you wearing athletic equipment as body armor? Have you shaved some portion of your scalp? Does your wardrobe include leather? Feathers? Metal plates? When was the last time you were threatened with some sort of harpoon? Are you always armed? By the way, the fact that I can answer yes to all of these questions at this moment is not relevant."
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Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Lance Armstrong Vows to Ride Down All Evil
Armstrong recently announced that he was retiring following an unprecedented streak of consecutive Tour de France championships, and has now declared that he will spend the remainder of his days running the perpetrators of evil to the ground.
"You know who you are. In no more than the time it takes me to ride to where you are, I may come upon you like a furious tour of retribution," stated Armstrong. "Repent or I will eradicate you, as I eradicated all Tour de France competition, as I eradicated cancer from my own body."
Armstrong concluded, "as I have repeatedly stated, during no time in my professional cycling career did I employ performance-enhancing drugs. I tell you that now, at this moment, that I do have a performance-enhancing drug in my system, and the name of that drug is Christ Jesus our Lord. My fiery wheels of vengeance will destroy many of the lapdogs of Satan in the days to come."
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"You know who you are. In no more than the time it takes me to ride to where you are, I may come upon you like a furious tour of retribution," stated Armstrong. "Repent or I will eradicate you, as I eradicated all Tour de France competition, as I eradicated cancer from my own body."
Armstrong concluded, "as I have repeatedly stated, during no time in my professional cycling career did I employ performance-enhancing drugs. I tell you that now, at this moment, that I do have a performance-enhancing drug in my system, and the name of that drug is Christ Jesus our Lord. My fiery wheels of vengeance will destroy many of the lapdogs of Satan in the days to come."
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Pat Robertson: Brewing Scandal at Christian Broadcasting Network
Insiders whisper there is a brewing scandal within the Christian Broadcasting Network Inc. An aide within the organization has stated that it is an "open secret" among increasingly alarmed CBN executives that founder and chairman Marion Gordon "Pat" Robertson has become "completely obsessed" with Harry Potter trading cards.
"It started out he put in a requisition for a couple of starter packs, for research purposes," stated the aide, who wishes to remain anonymous out of fear of repercussions from the powerful media ministry. "This is nothing unusual, Pat has us purchase a lot of weird stuff for his so-called research. But week after week he just kept ordering more booster packs, and pretty soon a number of people had caught him surfing trading sites on the internet. He kept saying he needed more research, he was convinced this was serious threat to our children by fifth-columnist secular humanist witches and warlocks. Everyone one was like, 'Pat, we know everything about Harry Potter condones witchcraft and is therefore condemned by the Lord. What else is there to research?' "
Robertson's obsession soon became too acute to conceal, at least from those within the organization. "On the 700 Club he's still keeping it together, calling for the assassination of foreign leaders, explaining the connections between catastrophic events in society and the gays, and which fictional television characters are gay, and so on," stated the aide. "But off camera all he talks about is foil premium and holo-portrait cards he's still missing. He doesn't even pretend that it's for research anymore. He has his collection in a limited edition leatherette binder right on his desk."
According to the aide, key board members and network executives recently attempted an intervention with Robertson. When confronted with evidence of his habit and strong scriptural injunctions against the glorification of black magic, Robertson reportedly shouted "Obliviate! Obliviate!" and then ran from the room.
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"It started out he put in a requisition for a couple of starter packs, for research purposes," stated the aide, who wishes to remain anonymous out of fear of repercussions from the powerful media ministry. "This is nothing unusual, Pat has us purchase a lot of weird stuff for his so-called research. But week after week he just kept ordering more booster packs, and pretty soon a number of people had caught him surfing trading sites on the internet. He kept saying he needed more research, he was convinced this was serious threat to our children by fifth-columnist secular humanist witches and warlocks. Everyone one was like, 'Pat, we know everything about Harry Potter condones witchcraft and is therefore condemned by the Lord. What else is there to research?' "
Robertson's obsession soon became too acute to conceal, at least from those within the organization. "On the 700 Club he's still keeping it together, calling for the assassination of foreign leaders, explaining the connections between catastrophic events in society and the gays, and which fictional television characters are gay, and so on," stated the aide. "But off camera all he talks about is foil premium and holo-portrait cards he's still missing. He doesn't even pretend that it's for research anymore. He has his collection in a limited edition leatherette binder right on his desk."
According to the aide, key board members and network executives recently attempted an intervention with Robertson. When confronted with evidence of his habit and strong scriptural injunctions against the glorification of black magic, Robertson reportedly shouted "Obliviate! Obliviate!" and then ran from the room.
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